I Apologize
To those I've wronged, I apologize.
For the promises I've forgotten, I am sorry.
For any unpleasant memories I've left you with, I ask you for forgiveness.
Though I speak with confidence, there's no one I'm harsher on than myself. Yes, I'm demanding, but I never ask for more than what I try to give to my relationships.
I won't compare myself with people anymore, they're not the same. Instead, I'm going to make me proud. So I'm going to own up to my mistakes, because I've made them and I won't deny that. I'll take the high ground, not the easily visible (And doubtable) "I'm better than you" high ground, but the actual high ground where nobody has to see. Except in this case where I take the liberty to explain the difference. I can't say I'll do any of this perfectly nobly, but I'm going to give it my best damn try.
Reading any one of my recent stories, you'll easily see my frustration, my pain, and my heartbreak gushing through the cracks of my sentences. Someone I really loved has hurt me, and I'll never say intentionally, but she replaced her "irreplaceable," her "one-of-a-kind" "soulmate" and she did it so fast that those words clearly mean different things to her.
It's hard to not paint her as cruel, but understand she's not a bad person, but my blood is dripping from her dagger that she left in my chest and that's why I don't speak of her as fondly as I know she is lovely.
I will never say I was the better one in our relationship. I was selfish and I wanted to be loved... loved like I loved her. But that's where I went wrong because no one sees "love" the same way., and I couldn't expect that. And I couldn't expect her words to be meant to the same extent I meant mine, even though I know she honestly thought she meant them as much. But I'm different than people, and I was different than her but never admitted it to myself. Her words may have meant as much in the moment, but I didn't mean mine like that, I only told her words that my love could keep me holding onto... and at this point, even with my level of pain, I still meant what I said.
We made the impossible transition from lovers to bffs, and we accomplished that because we never gave up on each other. She meant more to me as a friend than having a real romantic relationship could have... I thought we had something special. God it was special to me. But she found someone better, as much as she made me believe she would be around until the end, she had a more special night on her first date with a guy she had already been around when we were supposedly both infatuated. ..The way she talked about other guys she have told me she wasn't looking at me the same way I was looking at her.
If the standard is a typical relationship between lovers, she blew it outta the water... a lot of people would feel very lucky to have her affection. But I don't want normal, I don't want a stupid relationship where a person gives me all these fantastic memories, only to leave in such a way that those memories haunt me like a blood-curdling scream for the rest of my life. To me, memories will always mean more than the moment, and maybe that's why I care so much about making sure they don't turn sour, but it seems I'm the only one who thinks so.
She loved me the way she loves, and how could I blame her for being her? I don't, she's charming. I was stupid and tried to make her feel some of my pain after she left me, I thought she wasn't hurt like me and I just wanted her to be aware, not so she would get hurt, but so she'd know what I was feeling. I put myself in the position she had left me feeling in: unneeded, unwanted, obsolete friend. But I didn't tell her I was hurting, I just scooted back... she probably didn't feel very wanted either. But that's why I wrote it so bluntly, I wanted her to tell me to not leave her, to tell me I was still important. But she didn't, she let me go. Then I tried it again, but said it was goodbye forever this time... that's the only thing I could take away from her, but it hurt so much to sacrifice that to me, I thought she wasn't going to let it happen... at least act like she wished it could be different. But she didn't, she let me go like she already had a long time ago.
It was stupid to try to feel important again, and I made mistakes in how I tried. But a week later she cut me out completely, blocked me, left me without a word. I was just cut to pieces when I told her I was done, but at that moment I could see she wasn't kidding... she wasn't coming back.I'll never let things end poorly if I can help it, so I contacted her one last time and explained everything... and I'm sure it's too late, her words were clear and she just said them this week.... so she'll probably want to not go back on them for a little while at least. But I begged her to not leave it like this, to leave me like this. I really tried to suck up my hurt and just be honest with my friend... but her word holds, and I'm left without an explanation.
My perspective is the one she's left me with. I've done my share to end up here, but make no doubt it's still her decision to leave it like this. And that's what I don't understand.... because the girl I thought I knew wouldn't have...
She's probably been pure of heart the entire time.... but this is how she left me feeling... and I told her and she knows and she knows she could help.
So I apologize to her most of all. But to everyone I've met and will meet... I'm sorry for everything. And I'll say that a thousand times.... because shit will always happen that we can't foresee. After the fact is the only time we can make things right... and that's what I'm doing, or at least trying to.
For the promises I've forgotten, I am sorry.
For any unpleasant memories I've left you with, I ask you for forgiveness.
Though I speak with confidence, there's no one I'm harsher on than myself. Yes, I'm demanding, but I never ask for more than what I try to give to my relationships.
I won't compare myself with people anymore, they're not the same. Instead, I'm going to make me proud. So I'm going to own up to my mistakes, because I've made them and I won't deny that. I'll take the high ground, not the easily visible (And doubtable) "I'm better than you" high ground, but the actual high ground where nobody has to see. Except in this case where I take the liberty to explain the difference. I can't say I'll do any of this perfectly nobly, but I'm going to give it my best damn try.
Reading any one of my recent stories, you'll easily see my frustration, my pain, and my heartbreak gushing through the cracks of my sentences. Someone I really loved has hurt me, and I'll never say intentionally, but she replaced her "irreplaceable," her "one-of-a-kind" "soulmate" and she did it so fast that those words clearly mean different things to her.
It's hard to not paint her as cruel, but understand she's not a bad person, but my blood is dripping from her dagger that she left in my chest and that's why I don't speak of her as fondly as I know she is lovely.
I will never say I was the better one in our relationship. I was selfish and I wanted to be loved... loved like I loved her. But that's where I went wrong because no one sees "love" the same way., and I couldn't expect that. And I couldn't expect her words to be meant to the same extent I meant mine, even though I know she honestly thought she meant them as much. But I'm different than people, and I was different than her but never admitted it to myself. Her words may have meant as much in the moment, but I didn't mean mine like that, I only told her words that my love could keep me holding onto... and at this point, even with my level of pain, I still meant what I said.
We made the impossible transition from lovers to bffs, and we accomplished that because we never gave up on each other. She meant more to me as a friend than having a real romantic relationship could have... I thought we had something special. God it was special to me. But she found someone better, as much as she made me believe she would be around until the end, she had a more special night on her first date with a guy she had already been around when we were supposedly both infatuated. ..The way she talked about other guys she have told me she wasn't looking at me the same way I was looking at her.
If the standard is a typical relationship between lovers, she blew it outta the water... a lot of people would feel very lucky to have her affection. But I don't want normal, I don't want a stupid relationship where a person gives me all these fantastic memories, only to leave in such a way that those memories haunt me like a blood-curdling scream for the rest of my life. To me, memories will always mean more than the moment, and maybe that's why I care so much about making sure they don't turn sour, but it seems I'm the only one who thinks so.
She loved me the way she loves, and how could I blame her for being her? I don't, she's charming. I was stupid and tried to make her feel some of my pain after she left me, I thought she wasn't hurt like me and I just wanted her to be aware, not so she would get hurt, but so she'd know what I was feeling. I put myself in the position she had left me feeling in: unneeded, unwanted, obsolete friend. But I didn't tell her I was hurting, I just scooted back... she probably didn't feel very wanted either. But that's why I wrote it so bluntly, I wanted her to tell me to not leave her, to tell me I was still important. But she didn't, she let me go. Then I tried it again, but said it was goodbye forever this time... that's the only thing I could take away from her, but it hurt so much to sacrifice that to me, I thought she wasn't going to let it happen... at least act like she wished it could be different. But she didn't, she let me go like she already had a long time ago.
It was stupid to try to feel important again, and I made mistakes in how I tried. But a week later she cut me out completely, blocked me, left me without a word. I was just cut to pieces when I told her I was done, but at that moment I could see she wasn't kidding... she wasn't coming back.I'll never let things end poorly if I can help it, so I contacted her one last time and explained everything... and I'm sure it's too late, her words were clear and she just said them this week.... so she'll probably want to not go back on them for a little while at least. But I begged her to not leave it like this, to leave me like this. I really tried to suck up my hurt and just be honest with my friend... but her word holds, and I'm left without an explanation.
My perspective is the one she's left me with. I've done my share to end up here, but make no doubt it's still her decision to leave it like this. And that's what I don't understand.... because the girl I thought I knew wouldn't have...
She's probably been pure of heart the entire time.... but this is how she left me feeling... and I told her and she knows and she knows she could help.
So I apologize to her most of all. But to everyone I've met and will meet... I'm sorry for everything. And I'll say that a thousand times.... because shit will always happen that we can't foresee. After the fact is the only time we can make things right... and that's what I'm doing, or at least trying to.
26-30, M
