I Am Disappointed In Myself
Tonight I had a piano lesson with my little brother's violin teacher, as we're a few days out from a recital.
We were going to play two pieces, one jazz song that is extremely easy for me, and one classical piece that's a decent challenge for the both of us.
I had some issues playing both tonight, not super major, but small little mistakes that I simply shouldn't have made.
Prior to the lesson, we played together at home almost perfectly.
But, at the lesson I made little mistake after little mistake. I think it was because the keys of her piano are much heavier and harder to play than my own. I can't really make silly excuses like that though.
In any case, after I messed up one more time in the harder piece, my brother's teacher told me that I shouldn't play it at the recital. I am an extremely calm person. Almost nothing makes me mad.
...and I didn't get mad with her. I submitted to her request. I understood why she did it. It made sense.
On the inside though, I was angrier than I've been in a long time. At her, and myself. Why couldn't I play right? Why did she have to tell me not to play after a couple mistakes? Are there no second chances?
Then, she practiced that piece with my brother a few times over. She played the tempo perfectly without it sliding at all, and the dynamics exactly to score. It was disgustingly boring. Even my brother played perfectly to tempo, whereas when we had played at home, he'd slide loosely through the notes changing the tempo slightly on every whim. It felt a bit like a slap in the face.
Is that what music is? Perfect?
The answer to that question doesn't really matter though, as I'm not in the headspace to even consider the answer to those kind of questions, because quite frankly I'm pissed off and a bit sad too.
What a waste of my time.
We were going to play two pieces, one jazz song that is extremely easy for me, and one classical piece that's a decent challenge for the both of us.
I had some issues playing both tonight, not super major, but small little mistakes that I simply shouldn't have made.
Prior to the lesson, we played together at home almost perfectly.
But, at the lesson I made little mistake after little mistake. I think it was because the keys of her piano are much heavier and harder to play than my own. I can't really make silly excuses like that though.
In any case, after I messed up one more time in the harder piece, my brother's teacher told me that I shouldn't play it at the recital. I am an extremely calm person. Almost nothing makes me mad.
...and I didn't get mad with her. I submitted to her request. I understood why she did it. It made sense.
On the inside though, I was angrier than I've been in a long time. At her, and myself. Why couldn't I play right? Why did she have to tell me not to play after a couple mistakes? Are there no second chances?
Then, she practiced that piece with my brother a few times over. She played the tempo perfectly without it sliding at all, and the dynamics exactly to score. It was disgustingly boring. Even my brother played perfectly to tempo, whereas when we had played at home, he'd slide loosely through the notes changing the tempo slightly on every whim. It felt a bit like a slap in the face.
Is that what music is? Perfect?
The answer to that question doesn't really matter though, as I'm not in the headspace to even consider the answer to those kind of questions, because quite frankly I'm pissed off and a bit sad too.
What a waste of my time.
22-25, M
