I wish I could undo the past
And I can only change the present and my future. Yet I am still stuck on my past and what I could have done differently. I know it’s not healthy to ruminate about the past and it only prolongs the feelings of sadness and depression. Because I think what I could have and should have done. There’s nothing I can do about it but I beat myself up for not knowing better at the time. From my education and vocational training to learning adult living skills to take care of myself and my personal relationships, etc. I feel I should have achieved my adult milestones in my 20s but I was not focused on learning how to take care of myself and I got so used to being taken care of and provided for that is what I became comfortable with. I struggled with mental illnesses and low frustration tolerance. In addition, I had low motivation to change my life. Transitioning to learning to be an adult is terrifying. Sometimes I just wish I was a kid again but having the childhood I wanted this time, so I would not be an adult with disabilities. I have to learn to take care of myself with supports because when my parents die I don’t want to become a ward of the state and to be put in a place like a group home where I’ll be supervised and told what to do 24/7. I worry about how when I live on my own how I will afford basic items for myself and will I have the energy and discipline to run my everyday life. My parents eventually want to get me into some kind of supported independent living or assisted living environment where I am free to come and go as I please, but I have supports in place should the need arise. They want me to have the least restrictive environment for myself. Or I could do a shared living environment in a host home.
I am on disability benefits but I will need more than them to live. I need to finish my education and vocational training to at least have part time remote flexible career I can do part time whether it’s self employment/freelance/independent contract work or employment. I also question whether I have the capability to finish school or to work even though I can focus on my hobbies/interests/passion/talents/skillsets/aptitudes. I get creative block sometimes and lose inspiration for a certain period of time. I’m full of doubt and fear. My parents still have to help me pay back my student loans for the degree I didn’t finish over a decade ago. I have always had a problem with not finishing what I started because I got flustered, overwhelmed, or felt like I wasn’t learning fast enough because I wanted to make money quickly to leave New England. I was academically disengaged and socially disengaged in college or at the local state university. It was much better than high school to be sure and I finished my associate degree at community or junior college. I didn’t finish my bachelors degree. I didn’t finish my skillcrush.com or knowadays.com courses when I got confused on course content and final exams or certain skills I needed to make a portfolio. I quit my sewing classes after eight to nine months because I felt I wasn’t learning and producing items fast enough to start a dressmaking/ tailoring/independent fashion design business soon enough. I have always quit when things got hard or put obstacles in my path. If I finished everything I started I guarantee today i would be making a consistent comfortable income and I could have brought my ex boyfriend from India to the USA and married him so he could stay or more practical I could have gone to India to stay there a while and live there for a year on an ebusiness visa and married him and that way he could keep his job to help support his aging parents. I messed up so badly and I would have made sure I was on all the medication I needed so I wouldn’t have a psychotic break with reality at 30 turning 31. It had been many years in between before I was in psychosis again. I was supposedly diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 15 because I thought my house was haunted and I thought I was haunted. I didn’t agree with being on medications and at 18 I stopped taking medications and seeing a therapist. Eventually I went back to seeing various therapists and psychiatric nurse practitioners and got put on anti depressants and anti anxiety medication again. But I absolutely would not hear of it like when one of my psychiatric nurse practitioners even hinted at ruling out schizophrenia. It took me almost 16 years to have a psychotic episode again. Now I’m on anti depressants, anti anxiety, sleeping pills, and anti psychotic pills. I regret my life and now I have to fix the mess I made for myself. Luckily, my parents didn’t kick me out of the house when I was an adult when I didn’t go to school or have stable work. My side businesses didn’t work out because I didn’t get enough clients when I tried working for myself. I regret my life and now at 34 I have to dig myself out of the hole I created so long ago. I would change everything to have lived the childhood, adolescence, and adulthood I should have had.
And truthfully I wish my ex boyfriend and I had at least lived in the same country so that way it would have been easier to form a real life relationship. It would have been nice to have him close by. He could still have been from India but it would have been good if he could have immigrated to the United States on an employment or student visa or moved here as a kid or teenager. Being in a long distance online relationship with someone who is all the way in India is not easy to being together in real life. I met him when I was 23. Maybe if I worked harder to make something of myself maybe we could have ended up together in real life but I didn’t and it is my fault. He tried to save up but didn’t have enough money at the end of each month after all his bills and paying for his parents needs with his brother. The obstacles were stacked against us from the beginning. But I knew after knowing him I would love him until the day I die. That’s never going to change. He is happier with his wife now in India and moved on without me. He didn’t even stay my friend after he promised to. I regret losing him because of my stupidity and pushing him away to protect him from my problems. What hurts the most is he doesn’t give a damn about me anymore. When I told him about all the negative experiences I had since he stopped talking to me, he never answered. I guess love really can die can’t it? Not even as a friend does he care and he didn’t want to make his precious wife suspicious because I wrote to him too much. He got engaged and that was it. Ironically I would have never tried to sabotage his relationship or break them up or divorce. I would have just been his friend pining away for him inside my heart. He loved me once but has not cared in two and a half years. It’s my fault for breaking up with him even though I was breaking up with him with his best interests at heart. I just have to learn to live with the loss and pain. It’s a hard lesson I learned. I will love him always and never forget him sadly.
I am on disability benefits but I will need more than them to live. I need to finish my education and vocational training to at least have part time remote flexible career I can do part time whether it’s self employment/freelance/independent contract work or employment. I also question whether I have the capability to finish school or to work even though I can focus on my hobbies/interests/passion/talents/skillsets/aptitudes. I get creative block sometimes and lose inspiration for a certain period of time. I’m full of doubt and fear. My parents still have to help me pay back my student loans for the degree I didn’t finish over a decade ago. I have always had a problem with not finishing what I started because I got flustered, overwhelmed, or felt like I wasn’t learning fast enough because I wanted to make money quickly to leave New England. I was academically disengaged and socially disengaged in college or at the local state university. It was much better than high school to be sure and I finished my associate degree at community or junior college. I didn’t finish my bachelors degree. I didn’t finish my skillcrush.com or knowadays.com courses when I got confused on course content and final exams or certain skills I needed to make a portfolio. I quit my sewing classes after eight to nine months because I felt I wasn’t learning and producing items fast enough to start a dressmaking/ tailoring/independent fashion design business soon enough. I have always quit when things got hard or put obstacles in my path. If I finished everything I started I guarantee today i would be making a consistent comfortable income and I could have brought my ex boyfriend from India to the USA and married him so he could stay or more practical I could have gone to India to stay there a while and live there for a year on an ebusiness visa and married him and that way he could keep his job to help support his aging parents. I messed up so badly and I would have made sure I was on all the medication I needed so I wouldn’t have a psychotic break with reality at 30 turning 31. It had been many years in between before I was in psychosis again. I was supposedly diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 15 because I thought my house was haunted and I thought I was haunted. I didn’t agree with being on medications and at 18 I stopped taking medications and seeing a therapist. Eventually I went back to seeing various therapists and psychiatric nurse practitioners and got put on anti depressants and anti anxiety medication again. But I absolutely would not hear of it like when one of my psychiatric nurse practitioners even hinted at ruling out schizophrenia. It took me almost 16 years to have a psychotic episode again. Now I’m on anti depressants, anti anxiety, sleeping pills, and anti psychotic pills. I regret my life and now I have to fix the mess I made for myself. Luckily, my parents didn’t kick me out of the house when I was an adult when I didn’t go to school or have stable work. My side businesses didn’t work out because I didn’t get enough clients when I tried working for myself. I regret my life and now at 34 I have to dig myself out of the hole I created so long ago. I would change everything to have lived the childhood, adolescence, and adulthood I should have had.
And truthfully I wish my ex boyfriend and I had at least lived in the same country so that way it would have been easier to form a real life relationship. It would have been nice to have him close by. He could still have been from India but it would have been good if he could have immigrated to the United States on an employment or student visa or moved here as a kid or teenager. Being in a long distance online relationship with someone who is all the way in India is not easy to being together in real life. I met him when I was 23. Maybe if I worked harder to make something of myself maybe we could have ended up together in real life but I didn’t and it is my fault. He tried to save up but didn’t have enough money at the end of each month after all his bills and paying for his parents needs with his brother. The obstacles were stacked against us from the beginning. But I knew after knowing him I would love him until the day I die. That’s never going to change. He is happier with his wife now in India and moved on without me. He didn’t even stay my friend after he promised to. I regret losing him because of my stupidity and pushing him away to protect him from my problems. What hurts the most is he doesn’t give a damn about me anymore. When I told him about all the negative experiences I had since he stopped talking to me, he never answered. I guess love really can die can’t it? Not even as a friend does he care and he didn’t want to make his precious wife suspicious because I wrote to him too much. He got engaged and that was it. Ironically I would have never tried to sabotage his relationship or break them up or divorce. I would have just been his friend pining away for him inside my heart. He loved me once but has not cared in two and a half years. It’s my fault for breaking up with him even though I was breaking up with him with his best interests at heart. I just have to learn to live with the loss and pain. It’s a hard lesson I learned. I will love him always and never forget him sadly.
31-35, F
