Give it my 💯
The past years have been hell for me... because I've been caught up between my desire to immigrate, to live a free life and between breaking my mother's heart, and leaving her behind..
I've been living this nightmare literally every second of the day, ever since I started my immigration plan for the past years.. It took a toll on my mental health.. it caused me depression, paranoia, fear, and insecurity.. It's been a real nightmare to me, you have no idea how much.. The thougt of hurting my mother this much, I just didn't know if I will be able to live it down.. On the other hand, I didn't know what other options I had, than to continue living a lie with very little freedom of what I could do with my life... and whether i will ever find love in this society.. .
It was such a dilemma with pretty much no answer... the only options I knew would end this situation is to take the step and immigrate regardless of what it will do to my mother, or my mother going back home like she always wanted (the thing i wished for but knew was never gonna happen) or losing my mother (yes i knew this was one of the endings to this circle i was in, and it was hurtful to imagine it happening) or to continue life as is, with years passing me by, and with me living in a house of ghosts where we all don't get along with each other ...
What a circle that I've been caught in for years, you could imagine what it did to my mental health... It changed me so much and sent me into depression .... and it was all tied back to my mother, and none of the endings was satisfactory.. I couldn't imagine the thought of losing her forever, and I couldn't accept hurting her this much by my leaving .. she was really the only person i cared about... Even choosing to stay which was the best option for her, meant to continue a shitty relationship with her until she was gone, which was hurtful on its own, and a phobia that I had since I was a little child, to lose her while we are not on good terms ...
There was no good answer/happy ending to this story, I felt so helpless everyday..
Now that my mother is gone ( The worst has happened and I have gone through it) the circle has been broken.. (so i was not mistaken that this was one of the endings)
....and as things are getting real, i am starting to fear immigration... but you know what, I REALLY OWE IT TO MYSELF. It doesn't matter if I will succeed or not, i owe it to myself to give it a try.. Because I did not live in hell for the past years for nothing... I couldn't forgive myself if backed down.. After struggling with this dilemma for so long, I must phuking try and give it my 100%.
I've been living this nightmare literally every second of the day, ever since I started my immigration plan for the past years.. It took a toll on my mental health.. it caused me depression, paranoia, fear, and insecurity.. It's been a real nightmare to me, you have no idea how much.. The thougt of hurting my mother this much, I just didn't know if I will be able to live it down.. On the other hand, I didn't know what other options I had, than to continue living a lie with very little freedom of what I could do with my life... and whether i will ever find love in this society.. .
It was such a dilemma with pretty much no answer... the only options I knew would end this situation is to take the step and immigrate regardless of what it will do to my mother, or my mother going back home like she always wanted (the thing i wished for but knew was never gonna happen) or losing my mother (yes i knew this was one of the endings to this circle i was in, and it was hurtful to imagine it happening) or to continue life as is, with years passing me by, and with me living in a house of ghosts where we all don't get along with each other ...
What a circle that I've been caught in for years, you could imagine what it did to my mental health... It changed me so much and sent me into depression .... and it was all tied back to my mother, and none of the endings was satisfactory.. I couldn't imagine the thought of losing her forever, and I couldn't accept hurting her this much by my leaving .. she was really the only person i cared about... Even choosing to stay which was the best option for her, meant to continue a shitty relationship with her until she was gone, which was hurtful on its own, and a phobia that I had since I was a little child, to lose her while we are not on good terms ...
There was no good answer/happy ending to this story, I felt so helpless everyday..
Now that my mother is gone ( The worst has happened and I have gone through it) the circle has been broken.. (so i was not mistaken that this was one of the endings)
....and as things are getting real, i am starting to fear immigration... but you know what, I REALLY OWE IT TO MYSELF. It doesn't matter if I will succeed or not, i owe it to myself to give it a try.. Because I did not live in hell for the past years for nothing... I couldn't forgive myself if backed down.. After struggling with this dilemma for so long, I must phuking try and give it my 100%.
31-35, F
