I Cant Change the Past But I Can Change My Future
Being with my ex taught me a lot about how to be present for someone who is in chronic pain. I probably missed a few opportunities along the way though. I took care of her and was there for her emotionally but a part of me was not happy about having to do as much as I did. She didn’t ask me to do much, I did it on my own but I may have stepped into the care taking role and made it unhealthy. I enabled her to do less by me doing so much for her, I resented her when she asked me to do something, feeling like I was already doing so much and it not making a difference. I had a part. I also stopped trying to make it work at some point and instead of bringing up issues I was having, started keeping track of them in my mind and heart to justify leaving the relationship. Not sure why I did that, maybe to convince myself later on that the decision was a good one, I don’t know. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.
This brings me to my relationship with my dad who has been in chronic pain for the past twenty years. When he started going on pain killers he changed to me. This is when I pulled away and stopped trying to make it work, instead I began treating him with a level of detachment. I had to in order to feel safe because too often our conversations would turn toxic. Over and over I would be burned by my attempts to form a relationship. But this weekend I went up there and talked to him more than I have in a while and while we were talking I thought about his pain in a different way, I thought about how I was treating him different because of the pain, almost like I was denying it. denying that he had it because I can’t see it. I only hear him talking about it, and denying it to myself so I wouldn’t have to acknowledge it because it seems to be a major topic of discussion for people who have pain. So I realize my compassion for those in pain has limits and I’d like to understand that better.
This brings me to my relationship with my dad who has been in chronic pain for the past twenty years. When he started going on pain killers he changed to me. This is when I pulled away and stopped trying to make it work, instead I began treating him with a level of detachment. I had to in order to feel safe because too often our conversations would turn toxic. Over and over I would be burned by my attempts to form a relationship. But this weekend I went up there and talked to him more than I have in a while and while we were talking I thought about his pain in a different way, I thought about how I was treating him different because of the pain, almost like I was denying it. denying that he had it because I can’t see it. I only hear him talking about it, and denying it to myself so I wouldn’t have to acknowledge it because it seems to be a major topic of discussion for people who have pain. So I realize my compassion for those in pain has limits and I’d like to understand that better.
36-40, M
