So I was a member here 4 years ago & some of you are new to me

Some of you I do remember even though you might not remember me. But I'd like to share a little bit about me anyway.

The weekend I left this site years ago was a turning point in my life. I didn't have a real job, I was selling mostly weed but other stuff too. I lived in a very ghetto neighborhood & one day I looked around & told myself I needed to get out before I end up trapped by that life.

Before I could make the decision for myself.. my house caught fire. Luckily my family made it out but we lost everything, including my pets. I did everything I could to rescue them. I tried running through the front door as the fire was burning but the flames burst through the porch & I immediately realized I couldn't get in that way. So I ran to the backyard & went through the back door. I was hit by the thickest black smoke & I couldn't see more than a foot in front of me but I went in anyway. I held my breath the best I could as I called my dogs names & searched for them while the ceiling was caving in all around me. I only lasted a minute before I started throwing up from the smoke & I couldn't breathe anymore. The firemen got there at that moment & pulled me out of the fire, scolding me for running in but all I cared about was my dogs. When they pulled their bodies out I just broke down.

I left SW that same weekend. It was nothing personal, I was just heartbroken & it hurt too much to interact on any social media pretending like I was okay. I was angry; I was hurt. I just felt like nobody could understand. Sadly, that wasn't the end of the bad luck. The next house I lived in burned down as well, only 6 months later. Luckily that time I had experience & I knew what to do. I only had cats (just one cat who had 4 babies. I've never had another dog since that first fire. I think it traumatized me in a way because I find it very hard to call another dog mine. Perhaps it's the helplessness of not being able to save them that night). But I immediately grabbed a backpack & threw all the cats in it. My sister had a dog & I was able to save him as well. I felt lucky to be able to save them all that time around. I didn't care about anything else that was lost. As I learned from the first fire, everything is replaceable... but life is not.

After losing everything twice in a row I finally felt a fire light under my ass. I left my old life behind, disconnected from the people around me who weren't helping me get anywhere. I finally got a real job where I didn't have to struggle or wonder if I'd make enough money for groceries through the week. I bought my first car & was finally making enough money to buy all the things I always wanted but never saw as realistic for someone like me.

Over the years I've had my ups & downs, had my heart broken from a failed relationship, at one point 2 years ago I even tried to take my own life but I survived. I don't know if I died & came back but I do know that I saw my grandma's arms before I woke back up (I know, call me crazy lol). She had just passed away a week before & that was the day of her funeral. Probably the lowest point in my life as well.

Looking back.. it's only been 4 years since I've been here on SW & it's making me realize just how much has happened in that short time. I say "short" because I almost can't believe how much I've been through in such a small amount of time... It feels like so much longer.

I'm in much better state of mind these days. I'm not perfect & I definitely still have things I want to work on.. but I'm finally comfortable in my own skin & I'm proud of how far I've come. I've never been able to say that before. I know a lot of you might know how it feels, & maybe some of you are still struggling to get somewhere.. but I hope you know that the things we go through are what make us who we are. If I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing.

I apologize if you read all this & feel like I wasted your time.. I just wanted to share a piece of who I've become since I first left here. I'm actually glad to see some familiar faces & names still around. & To anyone who's joined 2018 or after, hey nice to meet you 😌

Much love to you all 🙏

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Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

I was on my way to respond to yesterday's post and I found this one.
I may have some years on you but it doesn't look like I have much life ahead of you.
While I was reading this so many things struck me. I started to actually write notes so I could cover them in my comment. LOL
The first one's kind of silly but I have to share with you being as you have first-hand experience.
I always said that if my house caught fire I would die before I would let my pet suffer and die.
I guess that is just a fuzzy thought we tell ourselves when we have no idea what it's really like. I was talking to a real fireman one day about going into a burning house. He told me they don't go in the part that's burning. LOL sorry this happened to you and I will explain that even more in a minute.
By the way I love reading your stuff. Not just because it is so relatable but your style of writing is very appealing. I like how you convey a thought. Very easy to read.
Okay I guess it wasn't that much later that I wanted to share this with you
I had a lab mix. My first dog and I didn't even want him to start with. Too much responsibility for me at the time. He was pretty much pushed on me so I took him home. For 14 years he was my best friend. The only time we ever spent apart was when me and my brother vacation on our motorcycles.
Very very very long story short I had to have him put down after the little idiot showed me that he could not acclimate to a family life. He was still acting like I was single even 6 years after the fact. It hurt so bad that even around 15 years later I can't talk about it without tearing up.
I write that part and very modestly.
I know what it's like to lose a pet. And I also know what it's like to never want another one because of the attachment and the pain that is inevitable. I will never have another dog because I will never put myself through that again.

Now even though we have already, in the past 48 hours, established that there is a connection between us of some form. Something that you wrote resonated so hard with me because it is an analogy that I use all the time.
If I could go back in time and change just one thing about my life.
I have mauled this over for years and years. We both know why we have thought of this and I will skip it because that would take about a year and a half to write even with talk to text. LOL
But seriously, every time I would ask myself the question of what aspect would I change I come up with the same answer. The same answer I get when someone ask what your three wishes would be. Well there's a slight alteration to that one.
I would not change a single aspect, a single moment any outcome from my past.
In my case I wouldn't change any of that because I would be so afraid it would change my relationship with my kids. I love that just as it is.
Because like we talked about on another comment, if I changed something miserable and horrible from my past I wouldn't have that experience knowledge to protect my kids from now. I'm sure you can make heads or tails from that statement. LOL
You mentioned something that caused me to make another cryptic note that I will touch on.
I'm very impressed with your friends situation. Cutting loose the dead ends is very hard to do even with the ones you thought were the closest.
It's all of the caterpillar shedding the old to become the new.
I know this is a long comment but I guess if I was you I would just say oh look there's another Dain novel length comment. LOL
I have only started to stock your profile so be prepared for more of these very soon. :-)

ChiefWalksWith40oz · 26-30

@Dainbramadge Its funny because when I was young I remember having those conversations with people about "if your house was on fire, what would you save first?". The answers were always things not worth risking your life for at all. Some people would say their phone, some said their PlayStation, or something material in their life that's ultimately replaceable. Fact is nobody ever just said they would get out & not worry about anything. Never in my life did I think of it as an actual event I would have to deal with one day. You know, it's that 'you see bad shit all the time but what are the odds it would happen to you' type of mindset. But fact of the matter is it's gotta happen to somebody. It could be you just as well as the next person.

Never did I think that the one & only thing I cared about would be my pets but it taught me a lot. When everything's burning down right in front of you, you never know what you'd actually do until you're in that situation. When I see movies where someone runs into a burning house or building to save someone it really bugs me how unrealistic it is. You can't actually see anything they way they show in movies. I was squinting as much as possible & still had trouble. Smoke is not fun in your eyes. You can't even take one breath because as soon as you do that smoke is just too much for you to inhale. I threw up instantly. If the firemen hadn't showed up at that moment I would've passed out right there. After they got me out of the fire they took me off the property completely & I couldn't stand to watch the house burn knowing that I couldn't do anything. I walked away & sat on a sidewalk blocks away. When I got back, the fire was already out & that's when they were pulling my dogs out. Both Chihuahuas died from smoke inhalation, but my pitbull died stuck to the door of my room, completely burnt. I still laid down with them, pet them, & hugged them, like they were alive.

I was exhausted but I still found the strength to dig their graves & bury them after. There was a friend there who helped me bury my dogs too. When I would get tired, he would take the shovel & we went back & forth. Fucked up thing is he's the same man who set my next house on fire months later. As if he tried to play on the way that affected me. I still want him dead but he's in prison right now so I can't do anything. Luckily I have certain connections that are making sure his time isn't easy.. I just wish I could do it myself. But that's just the old side of me that still wants vengeance. I'd rather not run into him because I don't want to go to prison over a piece of shit.

I'm getting too off topic though. Anyways the shit both you & I have been through are a blessing & a curse. Its a curse because of the obvious.. it sucks. But it's a blessing because we can speak from experience when we tell someone "hey you shouldn't do that". Like your kids for example. That's why I wouldn't change anything either. Not that I'm trying to compliment myself but would anybody think of me as wise if what I learned was just from movie quotes & Instagram captions? Anybody can repeat something, not everyone can say it with their heart & make you feel it in yours as well. That's a power you have that can not only feed your white wolf, but feed your children's as well

Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

@ChiefWalksWith40oz where you say that you never know what you will do for sure until you are actually in the situation is very dead nuts on.
There are many situations that I have been in where someone will say if that was me. It all goes back to the fight flight or freeze scenario
It's a hardwired thing. I think that people wish they were all fights but in reality I think there are a lot more freezes out there that wish they were fight. To average Joe schmo fight sounds more heroic. But in reality I think we both know that sometimes flight would be nice.
You talking about movies being so unrealistic when they depict it burning house in the thickness of smoke that it produces. The fact that it immediately took your breath away and there was no recovering from it. It's pretty hard to breathe when you are puking and the only thing you have to breathe in after that or in between pukes is caustic smoke. This too I can relate to. Not because I was in a house fire but because I mixed bleach and toilet bowl cleaner accidentally in the toilet in a very small bathroom. You know that b******* they say about housewives doing that and dying from it? Well it's all true. It is instantaneous. As soon as the toilet bowl cleaner hit the water a clear wall of caustic fumes filled the room. I had already exhaled and when I tried to inhale it burned and stopped me from taking any more in. Almost involuntary. Thankfully the bathroom was small and it was only two large steps out the door. A door that I also slammed shut on my way out. LOL. Turns out that happens to women and they take a full breath of air and pass out immediately and then subsequently they die by suffocation.
I believe that you and I are going to get a lot of usage out of the phrase speaking from experience. LOL.

ChiefWalksWith40oz · 26-30

@Dainbramadge yeah everyone's gonna say that they'll fight but most who say that would actually flight or freeze, they're just saying what they'd [i]want[/i] to do. Its all a good idea till you're actually in the middle of it. I honestly feel like most people wouldn't even have ran into the fire the way I did but idk.. I've done a lot of crazy things in my life. That wouldn't really be the boldest. I just felt shitty that I couldn't actually do what I'd hoped to. I bet most of the people who think they would run into a fire probably also think they'd be successful.. which is possible but it's a lot harder than just thoughts & ideas.

Even the bathroom thing you mentioned is dangerous as hell. Its scary as fuck when you already can't breathe so your body does that natural reaction deep inhale & even then it literally feels like choking on air. Its no joke.