I had a plan

I was going to run away and I had my backpack full of self defense stuff and basic survival shit and then my mom found it and took it and now I want to run more than ever but I'll be without self defense. But honestly, the only other option for me is suicide so don't lecture me about how dangerous this is, or even how it will affect my family, because I am aware.How do I do it? How can I be safe?