I just wish I could cry. Why are there no tears?

I'm actively trying. I just want to release emotion.

I understand

Because being numb makes you anxious. You'd rather feel, feeling like shït is the easiest way to feel.

I want to be happy. I wish I weren't like this, but nothing goes my way.

It get's worse. Just keep on keeping on, eventually you'll adjust and recalibrate your approach to these inadequacies or you'll die.