I Am a Hopeless Romantic

Losing My Love-senses... I hate to hear love songs on the radio, for the same reason I can't watch Disney movies anymore... I used to LOVE Disney movies, but when i watch them now, i feel like I am literally starving... on the verge of dying, FROM starvation, while sitting in the middle of a huge buffet, unable to participate in the feast. I get to watch other people fill their bellies as I try to endure the agonizing pain in my own...
Ever since i was a little girl, I have always cried at Disney movies. My mom and I always had this strange connection where we would both look over at eachother at the same time. I don't think either of us could barely see anything at all through our tear soaked eyes, but we could both tell that it hit the other just as hard, so we would both start sob-talking at the same time, usually ending with a shrilI "Awwwww, I wish I had a Hurcules!" To which my mom would always say that she alredy has her Hurcules. It was usually a good cry though, induced by the overwhelming joy I felt for the characters, whose love conquers any evil advisary that tries to come between them, nobily sacrificing for eachother, earning their chance to live "happily ever after".
Now, I can't help feeling a bit selfish, for not being able to see past my own pain. Before, when my tears were a result of sharing someone else's happiness, I just felt happy for THEM. I was not relating it to my own life, the joy-induced tears were not created because it reminded me of some parallel reason for joy I had in my life. I can't seem to deviate my focus off the fact that I am going to have to live my entire life, without ever experiencing the love that is being shoved down my throat by whatever song on the radio or movie on the screen.
I die a little inside whenever I hear somone professing their love. I don't even know WHAT the feeling is that is blocking my ability to see love as beautiful, to see love as I have always seen it before...
Is it jealousy? Are my feelings of envy REALLY so big, that the shadow it casts is preventing me from feeling anything but a bitter, empty pain of this relentlessly expanding void? I feel like love is vanishing, like "the nothing" that devoured Fantasia in "The Never Ending Story" one by one, I am losing every sensory avenue to love.
First I lost my sight... it is to painful to see others in love, next thing to go, was hearing, I don't know what love tastes like, but once "the nothing" consumes it, I don't think I will be able to use that avenue either... how do I get it back? Or is it just gone forever? Everything I can think of that has slowly disappeared from someone like this, always had some way to either reverse the damage, or rebuild it... in The Never Ending Story, Sebastian was given the one grain of sand that remained, so that he could rebuild that which was lost... The movie "Back to the Future" is an example of reversal. The picture continued to erase everyone in the picture until fate was recreated... If anyone can think of a parallel situation when complete consumption did not equate to permanence, please, do share... Continuing on this line of thinking..... if I don't find a way to reverse or rebuild this damage... Love.... is gone...

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Trinitythree030303 · 31-35, F

Being in love is feeling a friendship set on fire.

It's a feeling that fills you with a warmth and vigor like nothing else. It makes you feel a happiness and lust for everything like you never have before. That person is now a shining beacon of everything that's wonderful. The effect that they have on you is warm comfort in which you feel that you can weather any storm. It shows you a side of yourself that can do anything, be anything, and have anything. It's an energy that fills you with a red hot ball of life as you've never known it.

Love is a sunshine that never darkens, even in your lowest moments. It's that warmth of life that burns hot through any cold. It makes everything taste better, every song sound sweeter, and every moment filled with the hope of a new day. It picks you up before you can drop low. It's the muse of life that makes you able to do things that you never thought possible. It's a feeling of belonging and a lovely place to be at the end of any day. It's a fire from within that makes you able to be what you never knew was possible.

But that's what makes it so dangerous. Love is the single most destructive force that you'll ever invite. In order to feel this way we have to allow it to becomes a part of us. We have to remove our armor. We have to tear down the walls that we spend years strengthening. We have to give that person the ability to meet us at our very center of being. We need to do this because being in love involves having a piece of them enter your very core so that they become part of you.

But, being in love or loved doesn't makes someone good for you. When something goes wrong that pain now resides deep withing your very essence. Every other pain can be deflected by your armor but staved off by your walls. But not the pain of love. It's a hurt that originates from the deepest, most vulnerable center of your being. Because that's where it now lives. So when they hurt you it's destroys you from within. It harms the regions in your heart that have never felt pain before. It burns with a confusing pain of emotion in a combination that you never knew existed. And when that person finally leaves they take with them a piece of your very happiness. Because that's what they became to you. A part of what makes you, you. They rip it from your chest and leave you bloody and wounded.

Love means giving someone the power to hurt you and hoping that they never do. Love fills you with an intensity for life that you never knew was possible. And when it's gone it's burns with the exact same fire. And when it's all over, we never open up that much again. We never trust as easily again. The burn creates a wound that deadens our senses. We callous over. With every new time we feel the pain of love we lose more of the ability to feel it.

That's what love is. It's the single strongest force in our lives - for better or for worse.

Typicalpisces · 46-50, F

@Trinitythree030303: WOW! That... Is a beautifully accurate depiction THANK YOU!

Trinitythree030303 · 31-35, F

I loved your comment also.
It was beautifully written.