I Had An Affair
I wanted to understand why I had this affair, so I've been doing a lot of introspecting, especially after reading the book "Codependent No More" that my therapist gave me. And this is the list I've comprised.
My List....
A. Insecurity: Affirmation & attention were attractive to me
B. Flawed idea of love: Confusing "honeymoon phase" rush for love & chasing this
C. Repressed feelings (codependent issue): Leads to lost emotional intimacy and pleasure. Leads to shutting down deep needs. Leads to not knowing our desires &/or wants.
D. Difficulty being assertive/saying no (codependent issue): Giving into the pressure, not wanting to anger, offend, or lose other person.
E. People-pleasing (codependent issue): Ignoring own needs in relationship --> dissatisfaction & resentment
F. Outside influence: Others' opinions and others' "voice" about my boyfriend.
G. Guilt barriers: I messed up for the 1st time 2 years prior, guilt --> distance & resentment
H. Fear of upcoming commitment with marriage: Didn't want to continue feeling unsatisfied, didn't want to marry with guilt, didn't want to turn out like my divorced parents.
I. Self-sabatage: tendency to ruin things that are going "good" in my life.
J. Parent's divorce: emotional turmoil & patterns (acting similarly to mother and father)
K. Depression: loss of physical interest and such, but a new person was exciting enough
L. Resentment: due to neglected needs, due to own guilt, possibly due to partner's past cheating
M: Focusing on the bad in partner/relationship instead of appreciating the good or looking at my own-self
N. Sheltered/repressed childhood: lack of experience, quarter-life crisis?
O. Not dealing well with boredom
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Ultimately, I made the bad decision to have the affair. I was selfish. And I take full responsibility. Nobody can "make" me have an affair but myself. So please note that none of these are excuses, rather they are my own character flaws that I have recognized need to be addressed. I can't change the past but I can work on becoming a better individual and partner in the present and future by recognizing these factors and addressing them.
My List....
A. Insecurity: Affirmation & attention were attractive to me
B. Flawed idea of love: Confusing "honeymoon phase" rush for love & chasing this
C. Repressed feelings (codependent issue): Leads to lost emotional intimacy and pleasure. Leads to shutting down deep needs. Leads to not knowing our desires &/or wants.
D. Difficulty being assertive/saying no (codependent issue): Giving into the pressure, not wanting to anger, offend, or lose other person.
E. People-pleasing (codependent issue): Ignoring own needs in relationship --> dissatisfaction & resentment
F. Outside influence: Others' opinions and others' "voice" about my boyfriend.
G. Guilt barriers: I messed up for the 1st time 2 years prior, guilt --> distance & resentment
H. Fear of upcoming commitment with marriage: Didn't want to continue feeling unsatisfied, didn't want to marry with guilt, didn't want to turn out like my divorced parents.
I. Self-sabatage: tendency to ruin things that are going "good" in my life.
J. Parent's divorce: emotional turmoil & patterns (acting similarly to mother and father)
K. Depression: loss of physical interest and such, but a new person was exciting enough
L. Resentment: due to neglected needs, due to own guilt, possibly due to partner's past cheating
M: Focusing on the bad in partner/relationship instead of appreciating the good or looking at my own-self
N. Sheltered/repressed childhood: lack of experience, quarter-life crisis?
O. Not dealing well with boredom
------
Ultimately, I made the bad decision to have the affair. I was selfish. And I take full responsibility. Nobody can "make" me have an affair but myself. So please note that none of these are excuses, rather they are my own character flaws that I have recognized need to be addressed. I can't change the past but I can work on becoming a better individual and partner in the present and future by recognizing these factors and addressing them.
