I Had An Affair

I had an affair a year ago. I came clean and told my husband. I left my job, broke contact with my friends (who were also friends with the OM), I handed over control of email accounts, bank accounts, closed all social media, phone never locked - transparent about everything. I never go anywhere without him knowing where I am and if he goes away on business I virtually don't leave the house so he can call the home phone and know that I am there. I am allowed no male friends ever again which I'm currently living with. I've tried everything I can to 'fix' my husband's pain and hate myself for what I've put him through. We're finally coming out on the other side and becoming 'normal' again and for the first time I'm allowing myself to worry about how I feel....and I'm so lost. I do love him but I'm not happy. I think about the other guy and wonder if I made a mistake. Nothing in life makes me happy. I feel like I'm just existing.

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AnonymouslyMe · 36-40, F

Wow I feel like I can completely relate to this. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I have also cut contact completely with the other man but he is on my mind every single day, time isn't make it fade. I'm so close to contacting him but I know it's not a good idea.

everythingisvanilla · 36-40, F

I also think about him every day. He is like a shadow, always there, but there's no substance.

Many times I've had to take a moment and remind myself of the bleak reality that If I wasn't willing to leave my partner for him in the first place, then there really is no point keeping anything alive, not even the most innocent "how are you?" every now and again. It's completely unfair on hubby & not nice for the other guy.

I think for me, it's when I am most miserable or lonely that I think of him most. In a weird way he is the only one apart from me who saw both sides. He was a part of the 'happy' selfish part - and he saw the utter destruction after I came clean. He is the ideal person to talk to and also the one person I cannot talk to.

I suppose it's also easy to miss the excitement of being with someone 'new' but I think it's important to remember that whilst junk food feels good when you're eating it - it's not sustainable or healthy.

Sorry - I meant to reply and say something constructive. I've just realise I'm completely useless at giving advice!! 🤔

AnonymouslyMe · 36-40, F

@everythingisvanilla: This reply sounds even MORE like me! It's all so true... if I wasn't willing to leave my partner in the first place then I'm just being an ass by contacting him. He is the BEST person to talk to, but the only one I cannot, just like you. I feel like no one has ever understood me like he could. No one ever made me feel better as quick and easily as he could. My ultimate dream would be for the two men to get along and all three of us live happily ever after. Like I said, a dream.