I Had An Affair

I had an affair a year ago. I came clean and told my husband. I left my job, broke contact with my friends (who were also friends with the OM), I handed over control of email accounts, bank accounts, closed all social media, phone never locked - transparent about everything. I never go anywhere without him knowing where I am and if he goes away on business I virtually don't leave the house so he can call the home phone and know that I am there. I am allowed no male friends ever again which I'm currently living with. I've tried everything I can to 'fix' my husband's pain and hate myself for what I've put him through. We're finally coming out on the other side and becoming 'normal' again and for the first time I'm allowing myself to worry about how I feel....and I'm so lost. I do love him but I'm not happy. I think about the other guy and wonder if I made a mistake. Nothing in life makes me happy. I feel like I'm just existing.

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everythingisvanilla · 36-40, F

Thanks for the replies folks. I agreed to all of the rules because ultimately I have never seen another human being so broken and I would have done anything to make it better for him. He says he will never forgive me but is trying to learn to live with it. I completely agree with telling him was a mistake - it was actually a selfish thing to do....I thought I was doing the right thing in letting him have a choice if he wanted to be with me or not. As for why I did it, well, no easy answer. Someone came along and made me feel special and I got wrapped up in it. It's the toss up between "I deserve to be happy" vs. "I made a vow and should stick to it" - it's very easy to find reasons to justify poor actions. I betrayed my best friend. I won't do it again. Just trying to work out if living with my best friend in a prison is better than living without them on my own.

firefall · 61-69, M

Do you feel the underlying cause for the affair has been resolved/removed?

SoWhatWhoCares

Have you considered therapy? It's not for everyone, but it couldn't hurt..