I Had An Online "Affair"
I did have an online affair. In fact, I had three. Two bled over into my real life. I mean I actually met them and had a personal relationship face to face.
I met the first when I wasn't even looking for anything. I was in a sexless marriage, and had been for five years. There were many things I needed to understand, and that is why I found EP. I googled "sexless marriage" and it was the first site I saw. I met many people, male and female, the preponderance female. I was lonely. I was confused. I was desperate. I was stupid. I blame no one but myself for what happened. Everything was my decision. Even if there were lies, I should've seen through them...and there were many...IMPORTANT...lies. It started out with absolutely no intention of going any farther or taking things into real life. But I was hooked. I let him talk me into things I knew I shouldn't do. I LET HIM. Yes, he lied...but I should've known. Although some of the lies were hidden, some were overt and I just ignored all the red flags. All of them. I don't really want to go into all details of all three affairs in this piece. I will probably post about each separately in later pieces.
The second was born of my desperation from the first, and the third from the heartbreak of both predecessors. Like I said, it was my fault. But I could not see that at the time. I felt like I was in the right, that I was justified in the things I did. I thought I had excellent reasons and excellent reasoning. I was wrong. I did things I never had done before. I thought things I had never thought before, and I left my family in another state 13 hours away. That smart move ensured that I missed my Mama's last years. I wasn't even close enough to make it to the hospital when she passed. Before I could even get packed, she was gone. I never saw her alive again.
Do I regret any of them? Not only 'yes', but "HELL, yes". I regret them all. My former dream of true romantic love is dead. Gone. I do not believe it exists...and even if it does, it will never be mine. I've made damned sure of that.
I married the man from the third affair five years ago. It was a mistake. He never loved me. I'm not guessing about that. He actually told me. AFTER I gave up my job, AFTER I gave up my family, AFTER I left my husband of 22 years. After I came to him and fulfilled so many of his dreams. I was his escape plan from his marriage, so he wouldn't be alone, and I was told that all the things I did for him...things HE wanted and was desperate for...made him lose respect for me.
That was it. I broke. I just broke. At first, I lay in bed for days, crying myself to sleep time after time. When I found the strength to get up once again, an anger I had never possessed ran my life. I was a terror, and caused a WWIII sized fight every-single-day. It was a horrid, horrid time. The anger got so bad that my husband finally talked me into going to the doctor for help. At that point, I was diagnosed as moderate to severe depression and put on medication. The first they tried was Zoloft, but it did not work for me. It caused GERT symptoms and did not control my symptoms. After about three months, I got a new doctor and got him to change my anti depressant to Wellbutrin, which is working well. My anger is now under control. Not that I don't get angry, I do. But it's not the obsessed bullshit I was doing before.
We tell each other we love the other, but I don't think either of us means it in the way it should be meant. Am I happy? No. I don't look to be happy ever again. But, I am comfortable and content. That is much more than some people get and I should be grateful for that. It's not like living, though. It's only like existing. Sleepwalking through the days, the weeks, the months, the years. I made this. I MADE THIS. Of my own accord. With no thought for anyone else. This is where I live.
I met the first when I wasn't even looking for anything. I was in a sexless marriage, and had been for five years. There were many things I needed to understand, and that is why I found EP. I googled "sexless marriage" and it was the first site I saw. I met many people, male and female, the preponderance female. I was lonely. I was confused. I was desperate. I was stupid. I blame no one but myself for what happened. Everything was my decision. Even if there were lies, I should've seen through them...and there were many...IMPORTANT...lies. It started out with absolutely no intention of going any farther or taking things into real life. But I was hooked. I let him talk me into things I knew I shouldn't do. I LET HIM. Yes, he lied...but I should've known. Although some of the lies were hidden, some were overt and I just ignored all the red flags. All of them. I don't really want to go into all details of all three affairs in this piece. I will probably post about each separately in later pieces.
The second was born of my desperation from the first, and the third from the heartbreak of both predecessors. Like I said, it was my fault. But I could not see that at the time. I felt like I was in the right, that I was justified in the things I did. I thought I had excellent reasons and excellent reasoning. I was wrong. I did things I never had done before. I thought things I had never thought before, and I left my family in another state 13 hours away. That smart move ensured that I missed my Mama's last years. I wasn't even close enough to make it to the hospital when she passed. Before I could even get packed, she was gone. I never saw her alive again.
Do I regret any of them? Not only 'yes', but "HELL, yes". I regret them all. My former dream of true romantic love is dead. Gone. I do not believe it exists...and even if it does, it will never be mine. I've made damned sure of that.
I married the man from the third affair five years ago. It was a mistake. He never loved me. I'm not guessing about that. He actually told me. AFTER I gave up my job, AFTER I gave up my family, AFTER I left my husband of 22 years. After I came to him and fulfilled so many of his dreams. I was his escape plan from his marriage, so he wouldn't be alone, and I was told that all the things I did for him...things HE wanted and was desperate for...made him lose respect for me.
That was it. I broke. I just broke. At first, I lay in bed for days, crying myself to sleep time after time. When I found the strength to get up once again, an anger I had never possessed ran my life. I was a terror, and caused a WWIII sized fight every-single-day. It was a horrid, horrid time. The anger got so bad that my husband finally talked me into going to the doctor for help. At that point, I was diagnosed as moderate to severe depression and put on medication. The first they tried was Zoloft, but it did not work for me. It caused GERT symptoms and did not control my symptoms. After about three months, I got a new doctor and got him to change my anti depressant to Wellbutrin, which is working well. My anger is now under control. Not that I don't get angry, I do. But it's not the obsessed bullshit I was doing before.
We tell each other we love the other, but I don't think either of us means it in the way it should be meant. Am I happy? No. I don't look to be happy ever again. But, I am comfortable and content. That is much more than some people get and I should be grateful for that. It's not like living, though. It's only like existing. Sleepwalking through the days, the weeks, the months, the years. I made this. I MADE THIS. Of my own accord. With no thought for anyone else. This is where I live.
61-69, F
