I Want to Talk About Religion Peacefully
First, I'm a Christian, previously Southern Baptist, now nondenominational. I got saved when I was 16 years old at a Baptist church in 1995. In the early to mid 2000s, I became interested in paranormal investigation. I had tons of experiences and evidence, and I stopped doing it around 2010 or so. Then back in 2011 I had a near death experience. I got close to a woman and it ended badly, and it made me want to die. I didn't try killing myself, exactly, so much as willing myself to die, and this led to me having this near death experience. I said some things to God I shouldn't have said leading up to this, things no one should say, because despair over a woman had driven me over the edge. During this experience, I was severed from my emotions and could see, in the utter extreme of cold logic, everything wrong with my life and how to fix it. All I had to do was take the steps - for instance, I realized I had let this woman affect my emotions to such an extreme degree, and to stop it all I had to do was stop allowing her to do so. There were other things, but that was just one example of many things I could see the solution to, very clearly and very simply.
I came away from this experience feeling like Jesus was going to return any minute, and that I should be watching for something to happen. The one thing I felt I always knew about myself was this sense that I was born to witness something; my entire life leading up to this brought with it a sense of my own destiny, that I was born to witness or experience something. The near death experience didn't exactly fulfill it, but it brought a sense of urgency that something was going to happen very soon, specifically that Jesus was going to return and that I should be watching out for His return. Also, I felt this immense weight lift off my shoulders, emotionally speaking, and I didn't care so much about things anymore. A lot of things that had previously mattered no longer seemed to matter anymore. It was after this that I smoked weed for the first time in my life; previous to this, I would never smoke because I didn't want to have the knowledge of having this experience. But this no longer seemed to matter, so I started smoking. Another thing I came away from this experience with was a sense of "living in the now," meaning focusing on what was going on around me and pulling myself out of my phone and my head out of video games and such. Finally, I was given complete understanding of the nature of choice; how it comes about, how we change when a choice is made, how it changes us, and how, once made, a choice cannot be unchosen. My understanding of computational thought was also significantly increased, from my experience with logic during my near death experience. But I didn't know why I understood the nature of decision; I was given the how but not the why. The why came a lot later after the choice was presented to me and already made before I realized it.
So I watched, and waited, and smoked, and drank, and during this time my grandmother went into the nursing home. This should have affected me, as I was previously her caretaker, but I had changed to such a large degree that I let her go because I felt it was time for things to change. I watched and I waited, looking for signs of Jesus' imminent return. I found images of angel shaped clouds, and videos of strange sounds that sounded like giant trumpets; I forgot to mention that I had heard a similar sound once, years ago, before all of this went down, camping with some family one night.
Then, after about a year, something happened. I was outside smoking a clove cigarette with a guy I had just met that night through one of my friends, and we had just smoked a joint maybe 15 minutes prior: me, him, and my friend. My friend was inside; we were outside. All of a sudden this guy says a powerful spirit wanted to talk to me, a spirit of God. My knees felt weak, and having been a paranormal investigator at one point, rather than blow this guy off, I chose to take him at his word. This turned out to be a mistake, later, and I wish I could take back what I did, but I can't. This "spirit of God," i.e. an "angel," asked me if I would let it defend me for eternity. I said a reluctant "yes," unfortunately. it wasn't immediate, and it wasn't a short conversation. It also wasn't an overly enthusiastic "yes," because there wasn't a lot of basis for trust. The reason for the reluctant "yes" was that I was hoping I could get a clear answer as to why all of this was happening; more importantly, though, was this sense of watching waitfulness, which had almost waned after a year, told me that this was probably what I had been waiting for, which was for something to happen, and here it was. I felt there would be time for trust to grow once we had some more interaction. It seemed to know quite a bit about me, and I was intrigued.
Well, after this, I never talked to this "angel" directly, even though I tried, because I couldn't see it and it didn't speak audibly to me. I could see it sometimes, though, like a giant 10 foot man-shaped outline in the air a few feet away. It followed me to and from work, it sat on the furniture, and it pet my dog at one point. After a couple of weeks of no communication, and not from lack of trying, I got fed up. Now before I go any farther, I want to explain that, as a child of God, Jesus protected me from possession. To this day I believe this is true. But he also allows us to make our own decisions, no matter how stupid they are, because He will not interfere with free will. Back to the situation at hand: I wanted to know exactly why this thing was following me around, and my curiosity drove me to do something that was beyond stupid: I asked to merge with this being, so I could know what it knew.
What followed was beyond my wild imaginings, and I'm not going to go into all the details here, but I will say that my body had a very detectable electromagnetic field, among other things; it's definitely weird when you can set off an electromagnetic field detector without the aid of electricity. Needless to say, hindsight is 20/20 and I realize I was duped into grabbing for Knowledge, and that capital K is no typo. I was given all of the understanding. Ever. About everything. I could type on and on about the Knowledge I gained, and the experiences I had. But I won't, because there are things we aren't supposed to know, as human beings, that I know. Things that can't be easily taught, that you may not even believe if I told you. I understand why we, as human beings, are children; even the oldest and most knowledgeable us is but a child in the eyes of God, and I know why. But I'm not typing this to teach; I'm simply sharing my experiences in a nonjudgmental forum. But I do want to make this one thing clear: Most people have existential questions. "Why am I here? What is my purpose? Does God really exist? What is the true nature of reality?" I no longer do. All I am left with is the question no one should ever ask their God, but I even know the answer to that. And that is most unfortunate of all. Along with the knowledge were the experiences that went with it, and the feels. That "angel" made me feel spiritual and physical pleasure in ways that aren't possible under normal circumstances, and in one of these moments, I said 2 words that I wish I could take back, because I am afraid those 2 words define my existence even now.
I spent time researching angel encounters in the Bible, reading what Jesus said about them, searching for any Biblical context for my experiences. Apparently weak knees when angels are around is a common experience. There is more. There is so much more.
I felt invincible. My faith in God had been turned into knowledge. It confirmed what I had believed, erased all of my doubts, and gave my faith all new meaning. I called one of my friends on the phone, who had been there during my near death experience, one of the best Christians I know, and I told him about what was going on. He was extremely happy for me, because we were both ignorant of what was truly happening. I asked for advice for what to do, and he invited me to a type of church I had never been to before that focused on praise and worship.
I started going to this new church, and I went and I worshipped God in ways that were pleasurable that brought tears to my eyes. I fell in love with the Holy Spirit, like we were star-crossed lovers. Everything was beyond great. I was beyond cloud 9. I talked to the preacher about my experiences, hoping he could help provide context. He did, in ways I didn't expect, but not because he had a lot of grasp on what I was going through. No one could. I was in completely new territory. I spent quite a lot of time reading the Bible during this period, searching for any context I could find for what was going on. I talked to my preacher on a whole new level that I never could before at any previous church. Everything written in the Bible had gone from being old stories to undeniable fact. It was during this time that I made another mistake that I regret to this day: It wasn't so much one that was visible outwardly, but I could see it within myself. This merging experience brought about an identity crisis within myself, and I let this identity crisis, this duality within myself, blossom into a particular form of arrogance beyond all other, under the guise of love and worship. It affected the way I carried myself, the way I behaved, and the way I talked to people. I allowed this thing to turn my faith, which had been turned into knowledge already, into disobedience.
My perceptions were significantly increased. I understood why people would say the things they did, in a way that went beyond being able to read their mind. It was like I could see all the way to the source of what people were saying, immediately knew why they were saying it, and knew the perfect response to every question and statement. It was only when the realization set in of what was truly going on, which took quite a long time, before I started seeing all of this with eyes of truth. Also, I finally found real Biblical context for everything that was happening, but it was shocking and completely not what I expected. The truth was so shocking I didn't want to believe it, even though it was staring me in the face the whole time. And I still wouldn't have believed it if not for other things that happened after this.
There is more, but I have been typing for close to an hour, so I'm taking a break for now. I will post more later. One more thing: This post is not fiction. I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. If I hadn't have lived it, I wouldn't have believed it possible.
I came away from this experience feeling like Jesus was going to return any minute, and that I should be watching for something to happen. The one thing I felt I always knew about myself was this sense that I was born to witness something; my entire life leading up to this brought with it a sense of my own destiny, that I was born to witness or experience something. The near death experience didn't exactly fulfill it, but it brought a sense of urgency that something was going to happen very soon, specifically that Jesus was going to return and that I should be watching out for His return. Also, I felt this immense weight lift off my shoulders, emotionally speaking, and I didn't care so much about things anymore. A lot of things that had previously mattered no longer seemed to matter anymore. It was after this that I smoked weed for the first time in my life; previous to this, I would never smoke because I didn't want to have the knowledge of having this experience. But this no longer seemed to matter, so I started smoking. Another thing I came away from this experience with was a sense of "living in the now," meaning focusing on what was going on around me and pulling myself out of my phone and my head out of video games and such. Finally, I was given complete understanding of the nature of choice; how it comes about, how we change when a choice is made, how it changes us, and how, once made, a choice cannot be unchosen. My understanding of computational thought was also significantly increased, from my experience with logic during my near death experience. But I didn't know why I understood the nature of decision; I was given the how but not the why. The why came a lot later after the choice was presented to me and already made before I realized it.
So I watched, and waited, and smoked, and drank, and during this time my grandmother went into the nursing home. This should have affected me, as I was previously her caretaker, but I had changed to such a large degree that I let her go because I felt it was time for things to change. I watched and I waited, looking for signs of Jesus' imminent return. I found images of angel shaped clouds, and videos of strange sounds that sounded like giant trumpets; I forgot to mention that I had heard a similar sound once, years ago, before all of this went down, camping with some family one night.
Then, after about a year, something happened. I was outside smoking a clove cigarette with a guy I had just met that night through one of my friends, and we had just smoked a joint maybe 15 minutes prior: me, him, and my friend. My friend was inside; we were outside. All of a sudden this guy says a powerful spirit wanted to talk to me, a spirit of God. My knees felt weak, and having been a paranormal investigator at one point, rather than blow this guy off, I chose to take him at his word. This turned out to be a mistake, later, and I wish I could take back what I did, but I can't. This "spirit of God," i.e. an "angel," asked me if I would let it defend me for eternity. I said a reluctant "yes," unfortunately. it wasn't immediate, and it wasn't a short conversation. It also wasn't an overly enthusiastic "yes," because there wasn't a lot of basis for trust. The reason for the reluctant "yes" was that I was hoping I could get a clear answer as to why all of this was happening; more importantly, though, was this sense of watching waitfulness, which had almost waned after a year, told me that this was probably what I had been waiting for, which was for something to happen, and here it was. I felt there would be time for trust to grow once we had some more interaction. It seemed to know quite a bit about me, and I was intrigued.
Well, after this, I never talked to this "angel" directly, even though I tried, because I couldn't see it and it didn't speak audibly to me. I could see it sometimes, though, like a giant 10 foot man-shaped outline in the air a few feet away. It followed me to and from work, it sat on the furniture, and it pet my dog at one point. After a couple of weeks of no communication, and not from lack of trying, I got fed up. Now before I go any farther, I want to explain that, as a child of God, Jesus protected me from possession. To this day I believe this is true. But he also allows us to make our own decisions, no matter how stupid they are, because He will not interfere with free will. Back to the situation at hand: I wanted to know exactly why this thing was following me around, and my curiosity drove me to do something that was beyond stupid: I asked to merge with this being, so I could know what it knew.
What followed was beyond my wild imaginings, and I'm not going to go into all the details here, but I will say that my body had a very detectable electromagnetic field, among other things; it's definitely weird when you can set off an electromagnetic field detector without the aid of electricity. Needless to say, hindsight is 20/20 and I realize I was duped into grabbing for Knowledge, and that capital K is no typo. I was given all of the understanding. Ever. About everything. I could type on and on about the Knowledge I gained, and the experiences I had. But I won't, because there are things we aren't supposed to know, as human beings, that I know. Things that can't be easily taught, that you may not even believe if I told you. I understand why we, as human beings, are children; even the oldest and most knowledgeable us is but a child in the eyes of God, and I know why. But I'm not typing this to teach; I'm simply sharing my experiences in a nonjudgmental forum. But I do want to make this one thing clear: Most people have existential questions. "Why am I here? What is my purpose? Does God really exist? What is the true nature of reality?" I no longer do. All I am left with is the question no one should ever ask their God, but I even know the answer to that. And that is most unfortunate of all. Along with the knowledge were the experiences that went with it, and the feels. That "angel" made me feel spiritual and physical pleasure in ways that aren't possible under normal circumstances, and in one of these moments, I said 2 words that I wish I could take back, because I am afraid those 2 words define my existence even now.
I spent time researching angel encounters in the Bible, reading what Jesus said about them, searching for any Biblical context for my experiences. Apparently weak knees when angels are around is a common experience. There is more. There is so much more.
I felt invincible. My faith in God had been turned into knowledge. It confirmed what I had believed, erased all of my doubts, and gave my faith all new meaning. I called one of my friends on the phone, who had been there during my near death experience, one of the best Christians I know, and I told him about what was going on. He was extremely happy for me, because we were both ignorant of what was truly happening. I asked for advice for what to do, and he invited me to a type of church I had never been to before that focused on praise and worship.
I started going to this new church, and I went and I worshipped God in ways that were pleasurable that brought tears to my eyes. I fell in love with the Holy Spirit, like we were star-crossed lovers. Everything was beyond great. I was beyond cloud 9. I talked to the preacher about my experiences, hoping he could help provide context. He did, in ways I didn't expect, but not because he had a lot of grasp on what I was going through. No one could. I was in completely new territory. I spent quite a lot of time reading the Bible during this period, searching for any context I could find for what was going on. I talked to my preacher on a whole new level that I never could before at any previous church. Everything written in the Bible had gone from being old stories to undeniable fact. It was during this time that I made another mistake that I regret to this day: It wasn't so much one that was visible outwardly, but I could see it within myself. This merging experience brought about an identity crisis within myself, and I let this identity crisis, this duality within myself, blossom into a particular form of arrogance beyond all other, under the guise of love and worship. It affected the way I carried myself, the way I behaved, and the way I talked to people. I allowed this thing to turn my faith, which had been turned into knowledge already, into disobedience.
My perceptions were significantly increased. I understood why people would say the things they did, in a way that went beyond being able to read their mind. It was like I could see all the way to the source of what people were saying, immediately knew why they were saying it, and knew the perfect response to every question and statement. It was only when the realization set in of what was truly going on, which took quite a long time, before I started seeing all of this with eyes of truth. Also, I finally found real Biblical context for everything that was happening, but it was shocking and completely not what I expected. The truth was so shocking I didn't want to believe it, even though it was staring me in the face the whole time. And I still wouldn't have believed it if not for other things that happened after this.
There is more, but I have been typing for close to an hour, so I'm taking a break for now. I will post more later. One more thing: This post is not fiction. I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. If I hadn't have lived it, I wouldn't have believed it possible.
41-45, M