Religion and how petty it is
I think the reason I got angry at my sister, for persistently trying to remind me of my mother, through the religious crap she would send me, is because I felt her bad intentions, and lack of trust in me.. Even if she genuinely believed that she was doing a good thing, which is the case.
I really don't know what exactly her intentions are, and the older I get, the more I am hesitant to pass judgements on people. It is also the more I try to give them the benefit of the doubt... But with my sister, I know her intentions could not have been honest, even if I didn't know exactly what they are..
Many people become more religious or have an epiphany about spiritual matters when they lose someone close to them..
I didn't.
My sister and brother might think that I did, because I showed a positive and responsive attitude towards all the religious meaningless crap she talked about... But I didn't. Not on any level. I did think a lot about the afterlife and all of that, but in a sad way knowing that my mother had nothing. I lost my faith based on rationality, and so an emotional incident/trauma wasn't going to change my views...
I was just simply not going to dispute all what she was saying, and get into arguments, and be petty about it when I knew it is how she coped with it, when our mother had just passed away.. It is hardly the time to talk, not that I even felt like talking.. I just wanted to get done with all of that, to deal with my emotions and sadness in the way suitable for me..
While I try to avoid passing judgements, I can't help but think that what she was doing with all the crap she sent me, was just an attempt to remind me of my mother, and to pull me back into the state of mind I had post her death.. Or to be accurate, the state of mind she thought I had post her death, that I went back to religion, or whatever...
This thought makes me angry on two levels.. At one level, the fact that she thinks she needs to remind me of my mother after 5 months is just too fuking annoying.. She has no interactions with me whatsoever, yet assumes that I have somehow forgotten about my mother, and that I am living life all cheerful and happy, while she has no fuking idea about what I went through.. Looking from the outside, maybe she thinks that I travelled or went to a place or another, she is probably just making assumptions. On another level, why the fuk try to even remind me.. She should help me move on, not try to trap me in a sad situation by sending me weird interpretations of her stupid dreams, which she is only dreaming because she believes in an afterlife...
I mean if I want to break her, I can just tell her some of my dreams... if my mother is really alive now, why the heck are we having different dreams about her... only logically is because we have different brains and different way of thinking and these dreams are nothing but the invention of our brains.. But I am not as petty as her to even talk about that... If she wants to shelter herself in the fictitious world she made up where my mother is alive and is enjoying heaven, then so be it..
But, I know I am no longer tolerating anyone trying to indirectly pull me certain direction. I am glad I am feeling anger, because over empathy doesn't work with my family. They need to be shut out to know their boundaries. I think my move (physically) to a far place will do me a favour in emphasizing these boundaries. No postponing of that either, and I don't give crap about anyone's opinion.
I really don't know what exactly her intentions are, and the older I get, the more I am hesitant to pass judgements on people. It is also the more I try to give them the benefit of the doubt... But with my sister, I know her intentions could not have been honest, even if I didn't know exactly what they are..
Many people become more religious or have an epiphany about spiritual matters when they lose someone close to them..
I didn't.
My sister and brother might think that I did, because I showed a positive and responsive attitude towards all the religious meaningless crap she talked about... But I didn't. Not on any level. I did think a lot about the afterlife and all of that, but in a sad way knowing that my mother had nothing. I lost my faith based on rationality, and so an emotional incident/trauma wasn't going to change my views...
I was just simply not going to dispute all what she was saying, and get into arguments, and be petty about it when I knew it is how she coped with it, when our mother had just passed away.. It is hardly the time to talk, not that I even felt like talking.. I just wanted to get done with all of that, to deal with my emotions and sadness in the way suitable for me..
While I try to avoid passing judgements, I can't help but think that what she was doing with all the crap she sent me, was just an attempt to remind me of my mother, and to pull me back into the state of mind I had post her death.. Or to be accurate, the state of mind she thought I had post her death, that I went back to religion, or whatever...
This thought makes me angry on two levels.. At one level, the fact that she thinks she needs to remind me of my mother after 5 months is just too fuking annoying.. She has no interactions with me whatsoever, yet assumes that I have somehow forgotten about my mother, and that I am living life all cheerful and happy, while she has no fuking idea about what I went through.. Looking from the outside, maybe she thinks that I travelled or went to a place or another, she is probably just making assumptions. On another level, why the fuk try to even remind me.. She should help me move on, not try to trap me in a sad situation by sending me weird interpretations of her stupid dreams, which she is only dreaming because she believes in an afterlife...
I mean if I want to break her, I can just tell her some of my dreams... if my mother is really alive now, why the heck are we having different dreams about her... only logically is because we have different brains and different way of thinking and these dreams are nothing but the invention of our brains.. But I am not as petty as her to even talk about that... If she wants to shelter herself in the fictitious world she made up where my mother is alive and is enjoying heaven, then so be it..
But, I know I am no longer tolerating anyone trying to indirectly pull me certain direction. I am glad I am feeling anger, because over empathy doesn't work with my family. They need to be shut out to know their boundaries. I think my move (physically) to a far place will do me a favour in emphasizing these boundaries. No postponing of that either, and I don't give crap about anyone's opinion.
31-35, F
