******* ~-~ Tonight ~-~******* (dumb stupid title requirements- do admins hear the hundreds of us that complain about titles?)
Is just me sitting around trying to relax without thinking too deeply. Without looking too closely at all the many things that make no fucking sense to me. Spending some time in my apartment listening to really cool music that my neighbors probably hate me for.
But I really don’t care what they think.
I worked my ass off this week and I made the money that’ll pay my bills and not much else matters to me these days.
As I walk through this fucked up world without a care. Numb as shit and refusing to love anyone or anything besides my Daughter and her 3 sons.
My amazing grandsons!
I’m making new friends and I’m trying to thaw out my heart. Trying to ease myself into this space inside my soul that only has enough room for me and them.
But whenever I zoom out and look back down on me I can see my feelings. The ones that say they want me to love and be loved.
I shout at them and call them liars. All the inner arguments renew and proliferate, as tiny little teardrops form at the outside corners of my eyes.
But at least this time I’m not really crying.
I let those drops roll away and I regain the numbness.
That little place of comforting lies that say I don’t need to be loved, and that I don’t want to love.
My eyes turn red with the effort of the naught.
My heart skips beats and slows itself as the ice of me regains its hold.
My mind wraps itself around all the many things inside of the past as it prepares to protect me from all those many times that looked like the next time.
But fuck it!
I know I’m a good person and I know I deserve to be loved and that I deserve to love someone special.
But I also know that I can’t.
Because it’s all fucked up and the world ain’t right and there’s nothing I can do and there’s nobody that’s gonna find me and love me for being me.
And that’s a shame that I plan to wipe away like a random teardrop at the corner of my eye.
[media=https://youtu.be/7ZAE-EwhCMw]
But I really don’t care what they think.
I worked my ass off this week and I made the money that’ll pay my bills and not much else matters to me these days.
As I walk through this fucked up world without a care. Numb as shit and refusing to love anyone or anything besides my Daughter and her 3 sons.
My amazing grandsons!
I’m making new friends and I’m trying to thaw out my heart. Trying to ease myself into this space inside my soul that only has enough room for me and them.
But whenever I zoom out and look back down on me I can see my feelings. The ones that say they want me to love and be loved.
I shout at them and call them liars. All the inner arguments renew and proliferate, as tiny little teardrops form at the outside corners of my eyes.
But at least this time I’m not really crying.
I let those drops roll away and I regain the numbness.
That little place of comforting lies that say I don’t need to be loved, and that I don’t want to love.
My eyes turn red with the effort of the naught.
My heart skips beats and slows itself as the ice of me regains its hold.
My mind wraps itself around all the many things inside of the past as it prepares to protect me from all those many times that looked like the next time.
But fuck it!
I know I’m a good person and I know I deserve to be loved and that I deserve to love someone special.
But I also know that I can’t.
Because it’s all fucked up and the world ain’t right and there’s nothing I can do and there’s nobody that’s gonna find me and love me for being me.
And that’s a shame that I plan to wipe away like a random teardrop at the corner of my eye.
[media=https://youtu.be/7ZAE-EwhCMw]
