Late night thoughts...
Hi first time posting. I just needed somewhere to speak and maybe get advice or perspective on my situation but mainly to vent.
Im currently in a relationship yet I also wish i wasn't in this relationship for certain reasons. I love the guy but I feel I wasnt given the chance to figure out what kind of love that was at the time. I was young and going through a lot of changes at the time and i wanted to find a relationship. I told myself this time i wasnt going to just get into one where I let someone else's emotions sweep me into something I didnt want to do and take my time. I was already in an emotionally draining relationship and I luckily had friends to see through the person. This time I was alone. For context that relationship was long distance and very much online. I was 16 then but a while later, 16 going to 17 i feel lonely and I wanna find someone new and put myself out there and I meet said guy. At first we just chat but there were things that now make me uncomfortable he asked right off. I am trans and he asked me if i had the surgeries yet and i realize thats so out of pocket to ask without talking to me fully. I let it slide cuz it was a dating app so i continued or convo and he is kind and we talked about anything. I was feeling like i had a support of some sort with all that was happening with me at the time. Graduation, my aunt being sick and me helping my mom care for her, my grandma also moving in so i had to lose my room for a while and not being able to really enjoy my young adult life. We talked for a year or so and i could see he started catching feelings and i was to but not to the point i was sure i wanted to do anything so i said so. Im not sure meeting him, i am still apprehensive about all this. I wanted to be open and felt maybe i should put that distance and not hide anything cuz we became good friends. But then one night he starts texting me hes crying, not in a good headspace and he wants this to be a thing and he doesnt wanna lose me. It was out of no where i didnt know what to do so i tried calming him im not going anywhere but i still want to protect myself from just jumping in again. I reassured i do like him but i dont know if im ready. It continued on like this until he said he is sorry and he probably freaked me out and not to long after i get a discord notif from his friend telling me how hes a good guy and all these things about him and i agree he is but inside it still didnt sit right with me how this was happening. This time i didnt have anyone to talk to me about this, give me an outside perspective during. I was alone while he had his friend in my ear while i was also down about all this and what to do. It was all emotionally draining again and i decided to meet him somewhere public and close to home just in case and it was fun but inside, i just didnt like how it got to that. I didnt have a car so i was gonna call a ride but he offered. When i got home from that first meeting he mustve taken it as it was a date and I add i am very socially awkward but when he dropped me off he just stared at me on the steps and i was like okay what?? But i figured he wanted a kiss but he didnt even try to make it romantic or amything just stood there and i just gave him a small peck. So dumb when i think about it but it was to late. But then on meetings would be like that, Id have fun but romantic wise it was always so stiff or me making the all the first moves even though i was waiting to see him do those things to gauge how i was feeling about it. All up to the point i was always and still keeping track of the fact he never even asked me out properly. It makes me wanna scream and i hate that when i look at it on the outside i just ended up getting swept up again but I let it happen. I did bring it up he hasnt asked me yet not once since has he put into action to set up a date where he does. Idc of its late I just want that. He is sweet but there are also things I am not fond of as im sure he would say about me to be faire maybe im not sure I just know when i lay awake at night and think about how it started I dont want to smile i want to cry.
Im currently in a relationship yet I also wish i wasn't in this relationship for certain reasons. I love the guy but I feel I wasnt given the chance to figure out what kind of love that was at the time. I was young and going through a lot of changes at the time and i wanted to find a relationship. I told myself this time i wasnt going to just get into one where I let someone else's emotions sweep me into something I didnt want to do and take my time. I was already in an emotionally draining relationship and I luckily had friends to see through the person. This time I was alone. For context that relationship was long distance and very much online. I was 16 then but a while later, 16 going to 17 i feel lonely and I wanna find someone new and put myself out there and I meet said guy. At first we just chat but there were things that now make me uncomfortable he asked right off. I am trans and he asked me if i had the surgeries yet and i realize thats so out of pocket to ask without talking to me fully. I let it slide cuz it was a dating app so i continued or convo and he is kind and we talked about anything. I was feeling like i had a support of some sort with all that was happening with me at the time. Graduation, my aunt being sick and me helping my mom care for her, my grandma also moving in so i had to lose my room for a while and not being able to really enjoy my young adult life. We talked for a year or so and i could see he started catching feelings and i was to but not to the point i was sure i wanted to do anything so i said so. Im not sure meeting him, i am still apprehensive about all this. I wanted to be open and felt maybe i should put that distance and not hide anything cuz we became good friends. But then one night he starts texting me hes crying, not in a good headspace and he wants this to be a thing and he doesnt wanna lose me. It was out of no where i didnt know what to do so i tried calming him im not going anywhere but i still want to protect myself from just jumping in again. I reassured i do like him but i dont know if im ready. It continued on like this until he said he is sorry and he probably freaked me out and not to long after i get a discord notif from his friend telling me how hes a good guy and all these things about him and i agree he is but inside it still didnt sit right with me how this was happening. This time i didnt have anyone to talk to me about this, give me an outside perspective during. I was alone while he had his friend in my ear while i was also down about all this and what to do. It was all emotionally draining again and i decided to meet him somewhere public and close to home just in case and it was fun but inside, i just didnt like how it got to that. I didnt have a car so i was gonna call a ride but he offered. When i got home from that first meeting he mustve taken it as it was a date and I add i am very socially awkward but when he dropped me off he just stared at me on the steps and i was like okay what?? But i figured he wanted a kiss but he didnt even try to make it romantic or amything just stood there and i just gave him a small peck. So dumb when i think about it but it was to late. But then on meetings would be like that, Id have fun but romantic wise it was always so stiff or me making the all the first moves even though i was waiting to see him do those things to gauge how i was feeling about it. All up to the point i was always and still keeping track of the fact he never even asked me out properly. It makes me wanna scream and i hate that when i look at it on the outside i just ended up getting swept up again but I let it happen. I did bring it up he hasnt asked me yet not once since has he put into action to set up a date where he does. Idc of its late I just want that. He is sweet but there are also things I am not fond of as im sure he would say about me to be faire maybe im not sure I just know when i lay awake at night and think about how it started I dont want to smile i want to cry.
26-30
