I Am Married But Not Happy

[i]It is my way to write about what I experience and if this seems a bit melodramatic it may very well be, but I plan on being honest and write what I feel straight from my heart.[/i]

[b]To the man who said he loved me:
[/b]
I had no right to let you say that to me, I knew you did not, but I wanted you to.

I wanted it very badly; I know I was a fool.

I want you to feel bad, because then I can justify my own part in the folly, which, I must confess I have a very hard time doing.

If you felt bad you may have cared a little and I could justify lowering my own standards to please you.

I cannot in good faith blame you for that, I was weak and very lonely.

But, it still was my own doing.

You convinced me, at least for a little while, that you cared about me and I was something more than a pretty face.

I am hurt, but I have no right to be, I had no right to you anyway.

I never told you the truth about me going back to my husband, a husband I can no longer seem to love in a romantic way, but cannot bring myself to leave.

There is no spark, was no spark, and will never be a spark between my husband and myself.

I thought we had that, I guess I did at any rate. But it was rather pathetic wasn’t it?

You never wanted to go deep /to have a real relationship.

It was all words with no substance to them, but being starved for affection I ate them up, wanted more, and was denied what I craved.

I don’t want to miss you, care about you, or long for some fantasy scenario where you explain yourself and leave me no doubt of your feelings.
Where I tell you the truth and although angry you declare that you forgive me and still will love me. But, being weak it is how I think at times.

I cringe as I read that, but to erase it would be dishonest and I no longer wish to be dishonest, even with myself.

I never will talk to you again and that does make me sad, but it also relives me some.
We no longer have to lie to each other or get wrapped up in some stupid fantasy that will never happen.

The truth is that I am stuck. That I feel trapped, but that I no longer have the passion to free myself and start over.

I have given up hope for a passionate love and settled for a dull life that I know.

Not proud of that, but it is what it is.