Alright, I'm going to devote sometime into writing and sharing this now

It's a story that needs to be told but since I've no friend willing to listen, I'm going to write this story here and whoever reads it, reads it

It's too personal and I'm aware and yet I want to share it hoping it will allow me some more clarity regarding what is happening with my love life.

3 years ago I left my home island and begun a big journey that's still lasting upon this day.
During this journey I've been travelling, living in different countries, serving, working, volunteering, meditating, training, changing, healing, removing false beliefs, embracing parts of myself that I've left behind... It's a personal journey that one can do from the comfort of their homes but I've found that this is the way for me to do it, it suits my pace and my responsibilities.

But my messages when it comes to erotic love have been devastating. Ever since I begun this journey I've slept with four men, and all of them just run away, because of this reason or that reason, right after making love, which felt very amputating as an experience. Not allowed to stay in anothers arm and physical space after sex is like cutting off the connection in a manner that feels very unnatural.
I've had that experience for 3 times in a row and then I took many steps back and decided to remain celibate. And I did so for one year and then I was sharing the house, petsiting with another guy and we ended up sharing the bed too. He was particularly rough with me and I asked him to stop and he didn't. I was shocked and he run away from me just right after he finished.
Another one experience that added to the previous ones. It's been a year and 8 months ever since and I haven't been able to get close to any other man.

I've fallen in love with this guy now but I have learnt that I need to guard myself from another traumatising experience. And so I'm not giving myself easily. But it seems that if I don't, they're losing interest.
I know this is not the type of love that I want.
So I might as well be a loving sister and stay in this space and don't get hurt.

I'm done, said all that I wanted to say.
I'm certain that my meditations have changed me too in the way I see my physicality and how I'm honouring my needs and sensitivity.
No conclusions here.

ScreamingFox · 41-45, F

I'm sorry and sickened you had those experiences, especially the last one. I can't fathom why a man finds the most passionate beautiful woman he can and then uses her, and that's somehow the woman's weight/hurt to carry.

I don't understand love or attraction at all. I think you understand me when I say it is a deep profound experience and choice to pursue someone, so whatever they are lacking should of been revealed before intimacy happened. But they hide it well. So what we believe of meaningful sex, they don't understand.

It's mismatched I suppose.

But where does a woman like you, so full of love and wisdom meet her match?

I wish I knew... But I do think it's worth waiting for even if it never comes.

These men take us down energetically, they are on a low wavelength and perhaps that's what attracts us. We know how to heal and they want a part of it, knowing they can't actually handle it.

I really don't even know.

I just wish for you something real. Something enduring. It feels like the last part of healing oneself is perhaps to share it? But maybe I'm wrong.

I wish I had solutions.

Just know you're an astounding being and you deserve what you seek.

being · 36-40, F

@ScreamingFox that is very lovingly written. You put a lot of consideration onto my caring side and I'm usually not giving myself enough credit for.
I'm cherishing it and will read once more when I return here later. Thank you for sharing.