Relationship advice

So i met this guy and on paper he's perfect. He's the most caring, honest and wholesome person I've ever met. I don't know when was the last time I was able to talk so deeply and openly with someone, we also have very similar interests and values. But for some reason the way that he's acting somewhat puts me off. It's like I find him somewhat cringey? And I feel awful about it! I really wish that I could just like him and be endeared by him but I'm just not. When we're talking about deeper topics I'm absolutely impressed by him, but when it comes to day to day banter: I can have a great time talking with him and laughing, but then he says/does something that makes me cringe and I feel guilty about it. And I really want him to have someone who just loves him for who he is. So now I'm scared of losing this relationship as well as scared that if I were to date him, I would hurt him by not loving him strong enough/having to break up.

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hartfire · 61-69

I would tread carefully.

Some narcissists use intimacy as a tool of manipulation.
It's aimed at emotionally hooking a partnerm and fades as soon as they see evidence that the hook has sunk and stuck deep.

On the other hand, your shared values and mutual love of sharing deeply could be genuine and among the best reasons for lifelong commitment to each other.

~ ~ ~

When he says something that triggers a cringe in you, it might be useful to ask him what he means.

Maybe keep a diary of your coat it's always fresh in your memory and conversations, written at the end of the day they happen so it's alway fresh in your memory, accurate and honest. (or secretly record them on your phone, so you can play them back and examine them closely). Or a combination of the two.

Think about each moment of cringe. Does it remind you of any time you cringed in your childhood. What was that earlier occasion?
Do the moments of cringe have anything in common?

Sometimes that inner feeling of a cringe can be a sign that something he says is repugnant to you. It might be a difference in some of your values or preferences.

~ ~ ~

Some differences are unimportant and a person has a right to values and preferences so long as they never harm others.

Others, such greed, racism, callousness, sadism, dishonesty, arrogance, wilful ignorance, etc, can be huge red flags. If it's one of these, it's best to cut ties gently and politely, and not see him again. Keep yourself free so can find someone you really feel right with.

redpeppr · 18-21

@hartfire thank you so much for this response!!