Is he over his ex? Advice

So me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 months but previously had a really strong friendship.

When I was his friend he didn’t tell me about how he was physically abused by his ex boyfriend and manipulated as well as being cheated on.

This relationship was a year or 2 ago but i can’t be sure if he’s over him but some things about his attitude towards his ex don’t match up:

1) He bumped into his ex by accident (both live in small town) after a heated confrontation where my boyfriend accused him of cheating and lying this ex of his slapped him in the face. Sometime next week he bumps into the same ex and that ex politely chats to him like nothing is wrong at all ! He reprociates politely and gives him his business card he even told me they might work together!!

2) When I jockingly said I’d beat up his ex he laughed nervously and got akward.

3) When we were friends he kept listening to really sad break up song about deeply loving a guy and being accepted by him which I invalidated (could be a coincidence I don’t know).

4) He has told me he lives in the past not the present.

Given those things why is he still friends with him? If my ex was abusive and disrespectful I would not even see them at all or speak to them but treat them with indifference! I don’t get why he’s so passive and can’t even stand up to him or walk away why is he still trying to be good to him when his ex has proven to be incapable of caring for him. He even admitted to loosing his virginity to him whilst together which could mean he is physically attached to him.

Despite that he asked me out first and sees me regularly demonstrating that he cares but I can’t help but be insecure that I like him too much and that he could come back to his old patterns.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 💜

Kind Regards,
Milaya Detka :)

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Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

Well he's clearly got some problems hasn't he.

This apparently 'subservient' relationship with his ex is clearly very unhealthy but for whatever reason he feels he needs it.
Quite why is anyone's guess since there doesn't seem there's any advantage in it for him personally.

And while he's seemingly hung up on him that leaves little room for you......not in a healthy way anyway.
It sounds like he uses you just to get comfort from the truth he knows is true about this ex.
But you can't find any happiness in this situ.

Something needs to change and i think you're going to have to confront him on why he does what he does.

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Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

@MilayaDetka161 he has some sort of leverage over him doesn't he.

MilayaDetka161 · 18-21, F

What do you mean by this?? Also if he’s still emotionally attached to him I know it’s no fault of mine but what do I do? I can’t help him he can only help himself

@Picklebobble2

MilayaDetka161 · 18-21, F

@Picklebobble2

I think I will give him a chance to love me... it’s only been a little 1/2 months if things continue this way with his ex I am walking away.

robertsnj · 56-60, M

Lets say for the sake of argument, that he is not over his ex. Why does he have to be? When people play the "over your ex" card they are essentially saying that

1) they erase all emotions from that relationship away
2) that detachment is an easy thing or that attachment is fleeting with little value at all.

Maybe he is attached to her and maybe he is the kinda guy that forms deep bonds with women that don't break or weaken except over long periods of time or never at all. That isn't so bad. What would be bad is a guy who can let go of all emotional attachment to an ex on a whim which implies that attachment was at best superficial and at worst never actually existed at all.

Either way hope you two work through this together

MilayaDetka161 · 18-21, F

In order to be in a healthy relationship at least for me. I think it is fair and mentally better to get over my ex before I pursue dating to have my heart open for another chance. I did it too I loved and lost someone I cared about so he should have no excuse given in mind he asked me out meaning he wanted to pursue me. Also I don’t know if you read correctly but he is a male who was with a male (not that it matters for love but dynamics could be different)

@robertsnj

MaybelChong · 46-50, F

@MilayaDetka161 complex situations as I know MM tend to be more promiscuous. I think you should make things clear. I appreciate what you brought into @robertsnj, I often think past relationships are underplayed as it will always linger somewhere as a lesson/feedback mechanism

MilayaDetka161 · 18-21, F

What shall I do if I love him more and I feel anxious and frustrated because he doesn’t love me e.g avoiding “we” and saying “you” (doesn’t see us), when I tell him my feeling he seems to be avoidant (over text), I asked him to be more open and he said I’m not lying but I meant emotionally and he didn’t get it, he’s very very closed down, I feel like I’m loosing him and like I’m not enough for him.

@MaybelChong

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