I am monogamous

I recently came out of a relationship where my partner (now ex-partner) established a new external romantic connection and I had the decision as to whether I should stay in that situation or not. I had no interest in women other than my partner. As such I made the difficult decision to leave, as it was unhealthy for me to stay, and my partner was not able to disconnect from their new romantic interest.

The reality is, when I was with my partner, I could not imagine wanting or seeking those feelings from anyone else. I was totally disinterested. This isn't about polyamory being uncommon, it's about needs to feel safe in a relationship. A monogamous relationship is, for me, a need, and I will not pursue any kind of relationship with anyone else who desires an open relationship or a polygamous one.

If you are polygamous, I have nothing against you, but please seek relationships with other polygamous people. It's not fair for either of you to sacrifice your core needs.

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awildsheepschase

You're not wrong. I can only speak for myself, I was monogamous met someone who thought they should be monogamous if they were with some monogamous.

I learned a lot of my time her feelings I had, that maybe I am monogamous when with someone I love who needs that, but I'd rather place myself into the private places of life now and just see love as love.

I bet it's safer to ask someone just to be yours, but is it safe to ask them just be yours?

sancy · 31-35, MNew

@awildsheepschase I don't have any objection to polyamory on grounds of ethics. As long as both adults are consenting, that's great. In the 6 months after infidelity, after briefly "trying" polyamory, I had done a lot of soul searching as to why it made me feel safer. There are dozens of reasons I came to. But one of the key ones was mutually assured destruction. When you are monogamous, with a monogamous partner, when your relationship fails, you both experience loss / grief etc. to the same magnitudes. The reality is, when in a polyamorous relationship, unless you have other partners (which again I was incapable of), one partner sacrifices that mutually assured destruction. Suddenly one partner has more to lose than the other partner. That imbalance felt like a very unsafe place to be in.

awildsheepschase

@sancy Which seems to say you needed more (possessive) because how else to you, how else did their love change? There is no wrong answer. I've been through the loss of trauma and grief while in an monogamous relationship, I felt I made my partner more than my burden of hurt and grief. I think you are projecting ideas because you found yourself somewhere you weren’t comfortable

sancy · 31-35, MNew

@awildsheepschase I was not looking to control my partner, in a possessive sense. I encouraged her autonomy more than she did herself even, and their love toward me didn't change, nor mine towards her. Heck we still love each other, but we both know that it was detrimental to my mental health.

If you're saying that I am projecting "other polyamorous people shouldn't date monogamous people" then yes that is fair. And in all fairness she didn't know she was polyamorous at the start of our relationship either. However I should note that this is not an uncommon perspective in the polyamory community. In fact many others have said the same before. But you're right, I can't say that such a relationship is impossible. We are all different and all have our own limits.