I am monogamous

I recently came out of a relationship where my partner (now ex-partner) established a new external romantic connection and I had the decision as to whether I should stay in that situation or not. I had no interest in women other than my partner. As such I made the difficult decision to leave, as it was unhealthy for me to stay, and my partner was not able to disconnect from their new romantic interest.

The reality is, when I was with my partner, I could not imagine wanting or seeking those feelings from anyone else. I was totally disinterested. This isn't about polyamory being uncommon, it's about needs to feel safe in a relationship. A monogamous relationship is, for me, a need, and I will not pursue any kind of relationship with anyone else who desires an open relationship or a polygamous one.

If you are polygamous, I have nothing against you, but please seek relationships with other polygamous people. It's not fair for either of you to sacrifice your core needs.

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ArtieKat · M

How long had you and your girlfriend been together, @sancy?

sancy · 31-35, MNew

@ArtieKat We were friends for 3 years, and then dating for 4, so 7 years in total

ArtieKat · M

@sancy I'm sorry to be flippant but you know what's said about the 7-year itch?

sancy · 31-35, MNew

@ArtieKat Hmm... I was not aware of this but having read a little about it, I don't think it applies in this instance. The implication, from what I'm reading, is that a couple stop putting time into the relationship. That was anything but the case in this instance. In fact we were ramping up the relationship. Unfortunately, I think it was more related to her narcissistic father (whom she was a carer for) and her unstable career. The new romantic interest is a guy in his mid 60s and her ex-boss. He had been a mentor for many years. It makes me ill thinking that I used to encourage their friendship... Irrespective, the reality is that she was polyamorous and was capable of loving multiple people romantically at once. A fundamental incompatibility with me.

ArtieKat · M

@sancy Obviously only you and she know the inside of your relationship - but to me, as an outsider, 7 years is a very long for that to become apparent. Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that (in retrospect maybe) that the warning signs weren't there?

sancy · 31-35, MNew

@ArtieKat Hand on heart, yes. 1 year into our relationship she did express curiosity of open relationships. My attitude was always "I don't know how I would feel about that, but we can cross that bridge when it comes to it". Neither she nor I anticipated that it would be so soon into our relationship. (I am quite thankful it came about so soon tbh) Our communication was great, and we were both extremely empathic. The only real warning signs otherwise were in the days following her infidelity. She became cold and absent. I mistook that for nerves at the time, because it was 4 days prior to her capability meeting with work.

ArtieKat · M

@sancy

1 year into our relationship she did express curiosity of open relationships......Neither she nor I anticipated that it would be so soon into our relationship. (I am quite thankful it came about so soon tbh)

I don't know whether I'm missing something about this time frame? So, 6 years ago she said she was interested in open relationships... Then her fling with her boss came over 5 years later? That's not a short time (in my book) 🤔

sancy · 31-35, MNew

@ArtieKat Not that it's needed, but here's a timeline lol
Year 1 - friendship
Year 4 - dating
Year 5 - expressed curiosity
Year 7 - infidelity
Year 7.5 - after 6 month attempted recovery -> relationship close

ArtieKat · M

@sancy OK, thanks for clarifying