I Am Married

I don’t like catching the train, I don’t like being surrounded by so many people with no escape for the length of the train journey. But I have had to for work. So, I distract myself by listening to music or people watching. I watched as an elderly lady, wrestled with a lolly packet, trying very hard to open it and devour the sugary colourful contents inside. She finally got in, the delight on her face as she popped several in her mouth at once. There is a couple engaging in an argument yet still staring transfixed at their devices. She would take a jibe at him, and he would land a blow back, never once taking their eyes off what was in their hands to look at each other. Fingers madly tapping against keys. During my people watching I was regularly interrupted by a man having a conversation on his phone, if I closed my eyes I could have almost imagined he was attractive, his voice was deep and smooth, he almost growled as he spoke gently to the person on the other end. As my eyes followed people around the carriage, my phone beeped with a text message. It was my husband. We are currently in a state of separate-ness. Though he still floods me with messages, messages full of promises, love, bargaining, forgiveness, and grand gestures of repair. Though this one was different. I opened the message to see his brown soulful eyes staring back at me, within his inked arms full of reminders of me, was our delightfully gorgeous granddaughter. Our daughter in law must have gone for a visit to see him. As I looked at the photo, I wondered when did I stop getting lost in those eyes. How long it had been since my fingers caressed his beard as he kissed me. I feel our separate-ness slowly coming to an end as his persistence effortlessly slides himself back inside my head. The issues that created this separate living, seemed to have disappeared, and now when I do see him, he is almost back to how he was all those years ago, when we laughed until the sun came up, we made love several times a day, one look from him and I would feel myself melting into his arms, as they wrapped around me. Maybe he has taken on board the things we spoke about that very last day he was living here with me. He has always had a strong dominate personality, I loved that about him. I used to wink at him and tell him it takes a strong man to wrangle me, and he would smile and kiss my forehead then whisper things in my ears. Things I so long to hear again. He was always my storm and how I loved to dance in his lightening and rain, but he became so angry, he yelled, and would stomp around the house, no longer did I love that. He wants to make things work, he has made a lot of changes. One photo during one train ride, has me wanting to believe him. As my mind wandered through the thoughts of him, us, me, our world. Another message vibrated through on my phone, he sent me the song “I’d do anything” by John Butler Trio. We used to do this a lot, send messages through music. We still understand each other, I know what he is saying. Now I search for one to send him. I miss him.