I am sure ,the title of this group,would apply to both my Husband and myself

We have been married for 45 years next month, and it has never been easy. We both come from families that instilled in us a deep belief that marriage is " until death you do part". This is why we struggle on. We have raised 2 generations of children, and this is what we focused on the most.

My Husband treats me, in many ways, the same as his father treated his mother. When my grandmother, mother, and I first met my in-laws, it really didn't seem as though they loved each other at all. When I talked to my Husband later about that, he just told me you have to look deeper. However, I really never saw much love between my in-laws. They were like business partners, in the process of living. My father-in law, always treated others with far more kindness and took much more interest in others than his wife. My Husband does this with me as well. Most people, including myself, cannot see from my Husband's attentions towards me, that there is much love between us. Although, I do believe he does love me. * Shrugs* I don't really know how I would know that, though, because I was abused as a child. I really don't know what love looks like. I know my adopted grandchildren love me, as they show it every single day. It is in how they treat me, and in how tender they are towards me.

I will try to give an example of how my Husband and I interact. A month or so ago, we went to the grocery store. I was limping a little, and I asked my Husband to walk a little slower as I held onto his arm. I looked up and noticed a man looking at us as we walked into he store. This man walked into the store behind us, and my Husband pushed a cart towards him, trying to be nice. The man said," Give it to her!" pointing towards me. The man was more than a little irritated. My Husband told him, "That is my...( stopping short of saying wife). Then my Husband said, " I am getting her a cart." At that, the man, still aggravated at my Husband, pushed the cart towards me. I said thank you and the man took the second cart my Husband had taken out for me. I was a little taken aback, because my Husband has always treated me that way. However, seeing someone else think this was not kindness towards me, almost made me cry.

My Husband and I struggle to communicate about anything other than mundane things. Most of the time if we try to talk about anything else, we argue and get very short with each other. This makes me very very sad. I have a great need to connect with my Husband on a deeper level, but we just can't. This lack of emotional connectedness has caused me great distress over my marriage. I once turned to an emotional affair, but when my Husband said he was greatly hurt by this I never reached out to anyone else( outside of my daughters). Over the last 3 decades, I have turned to food to fill this need for an emotional connection. I know it seems crazy, but somehow the short-lived comfort I get from food helps me go on another day.

However, I am now very sick from this. I weigh 250 pounds. I have early signs of congestive heart failure. We don't have medical insurance for me, so this is not coming from a doctor. However, I have a pulse rate of 85-100 most days. Any exercise, even walking a block, leaves me short of breath. I have swelling in my legs and hands. I wake up coughing at night, and I have heart palpitations when I try to lie down to sleep. I don't have high blood pressure, though.

Anyway, this is why I have come here to journal. I must change things for myself. In order to do this I must understand things about why I am this way. I do this best by writing it down, and being able to read my thoughts again later. I have many children, depending on me to stay around and help them out, even if it is just so they have someone to talk to. So, I am going to figure this out, for myself and for my kids.

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