It's a theatre. Total theatre lol. My parents are officially as.s-kissers
They made their daughters suffer emotionally throughout childhood. Kept having kids despite not having the means to give them quality of life. That is, they had no time for us.
Money? They had just enough to save up.
But that meant, no hobbies for their children, no money for healthcare, or for psychotherapy, or any money for furnishing the house.
Furnishing the house:
Turns out, they in fact did have money to furnish the house. They just chose to put is through a lot of discomfort. For decades.
Now, we have some "special guests" coming over soon in a matter of days or weeks, as says my mother. They're special because they will be here to "see" my sister. Yep. An arrangement for marriage.
Therefore, suddenly, after years of putting us through trauma, my parents have jumped to their feet, getting renovations, improvements, furnishings for the guest room. They're also getting an air conditioner installed. My mother also wants to give away her car which she bought for my sister away as dowry.
All for a bunch of strangers.
All for a bunch of strangers.
All for a bunch of strangers.
All for a bunch of strangers.
What a loser. What an absolute loser.
There are days I want to punch the wall, or sl.it my own thr.oat out of anger. Is it truly possible for parents to prioritise strangers so much more than their own children???
I have so much anger inside of me.
I will never forgive them for how they stomped on my existence in my formative years till I was pulp. I will never forgive them for instilling severe shame and self-loathing in me. For making me sleep on such a hard mattress it felt like sleeping on a rock. For minimising all my achievements to make me look small and stupid.
I don't even know who I am. I'm only now discovering through therapy that I have CPTSD and a severe trauma response, that I NEVER KNEW was a trauma response, that I had accepted to be a part of who I am, but it isn't. It has just been attached to me all this time like a leech since I was a literal CHILD. Therapy that I have only afforded because I saved up from the money that I earned in my ADULTHOOD. I did not receive any therapy as a child or an adolescent, even though I had severe depression as a teenager.
I WANT THIS WOMAN TO SUFFER SO MUCH.
Furnishings, a glass door, and air conditioning for strangers. That is all it took to break me today.
Money? They had just enough to save up.
But that meant, no hobbies for their children, no money for healthcare, or for psychotherapy, or any money for furnishing the house.
Furnishing the house:
Turns out, they in fact did have money to furnish the house. They just chose to put is through a lot of discomfort. For decades.
Now, we have some "special guests" coming over soon in a matter of days or weeks, as says my mother. They're special because they will be here to "see" my sister. Yep. An arrangement for marriage.
Therefore, suddenly, after years of putting us through trauma, my parents have jumped to their feet, getting renovations, improvements, furnishings for the guest room. They're also getting an air conditioner installed. My mother also wants to give away her car which she bought for my sister away as dowry.
All for a bunch of strangers.
All for a bunch of strangers.
All for a bunch of strangers.
All for a bunch of strangers.
What a loser. What an absolute loser.
There are days I want to punch the wall, or sl.it my own thr.oat out of anger. Is it truly possible for parents to prioritise strangers so much more than their own children???
I have so much anger inside of me.
I will never forgive them for how they stomped on my existence in my formative years till I was pulp. I will never forgive them for instilling severe shame and self-loathing in me. For making me sleep on such a hard mattress it felt like sleeping on a rock. For minimising all my achievements to make me look small and stupid.
I don't even know who I am. I'm only now discovering through therapy that I have CPTSD and a severe trauma response, that I NEVER KNEW was a trauma response, that I had accepted to be a part of who I am, but it isn't. It has just been attached to me all this time like a leech since I was a literal CHILD. Therapy that I have only afforded because I saved up from the money that I earned in my ADULTHOOD. I did not receive any therapy as a child or an adolescent, even though I had severe depression as a teenager.
I WANT THIS WOMAN TO SUFFER SO MUCH.
Furnishings, a glass door, and air conditioning for strangers. That is all it took to break me today.
31-35, F
