Self pleasure insecurity

My wife and I are in agreement that self pleasure is ok. My wife has the lower sex drive so it makes things easier on us, less pressure. I will sometimes use porn as well as my wife and again were both agreement in using porn. My wife has plenty of orgasms sometimes 2-4 orgasms when we make love so we have a healthy sex life Here is the problem though and it's more my issue.... I get anxiety or insecure if I think she may self pleasuring. If she goes to bed before me, I get worked up thinking will she self pleasure when she gets to bed. The mornings are tough too, she leaves for work later than I do so I get insecure wondering if she will or has. I explained to my wife that I find it highly exciting to know she self pleasures. It's not a controlling thing, it's more about me getting turned on knowing she did it .She does tell me once in awhile not everytime. I did explain my anxiety and insecurity and she understands. It's hard for her with her upbringing to be open about self pleasure but she has told me it's still difficult sometimes to tell me.

How can I make it better on myself and make it easier and more enjoyable to share self pleasure with myself. I don't want to always bug her.. Did you have fun, did you enjoy yourself, hun did you M this morning.

So how can I make this more comfortable her to be more open and how can I get past this anxiety and insecurity?

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lovingdead · 36-40, M

It may help to think about it like this.

Let her self pleasure be HERS, this dilemma your having is how you can shape it to benifit your own pleasure and mind.

Im not saying its not a good thing for her to be more open, and thus you two can connect a little more when "not connecting", but that should be a byproduct and not the end goal.

Think regular sex, how often people worry about their partners enjoyment (a good thing) but also think of how many partners cant enjoy themselves as much because they're more worried about their partner asking them...did you enjoy yourself, did you like this or that? (Again very good things, communication is needed) but it shouldn't become a topic of added discomfort around a subject thats supposed to be pleasurable.

Again, her being more comfortable is great, but how it affects you should be an afterthought.

Maybe get her a toy or something. Let her explore....or not, if she chooses.

Her pleasure in those moments should be hers, lost in the bliss of whatever....she shouldn't be distracted by, when he asks me about (blank) or (blank).

Granted im only hearing your side, my insight, stance, advice would be different if i knew her perspective.

This outlook is from a ex sex therapist outlook.

Good luck