I Live In a Sexless Marriage
Today while I was driving I happened to glance down at my fingers and I realized something. The indention of where my rings used to be (my engagement and wedding band) are gone. The skin looks firm and bare like nothing had ever been there.
It was a strange mix of emotions for some reason. I haven't worn them in some time so that is why, but the reason caused the emotion. A small amount of sadness, and still this suddenly wild thought of "I'm free. One day I really will be free." It doesn't make much sense I suppose, but that is what went through my head.
We are spending less time together. He no longer seems to care whether he gets my "after dinner hanging out to watch TV" attention anymore. He is disengaged and detached as I am. He senses that I have pulled away and I believe feels defeated in calling me back.
I play my role, and he plays his. We get by. The day is coming when I walk away. He dreads it. He doesn't want me at all, but he dreads me leaving because he can't be alone. He has to figure that out. He is 48 years old and I have always been here to catch him. I've been a good wife. A perfect wife? No way, but I did the best I could do and I still continue to help him. It's more than most might do.
I admit, the thought of being along excites and scares me too. The fear of being alone the rest of my life scares me too but, aren't I alone here? Yes, there are people around but the security of a bonded intimate relationship doesn't exist. A body hunkered down on the other end of the couch fills a physical space. It doesn't fill a void.
-Raven
It was a strange mix of emotions for some reason. I haven't worn them in some time so that is why, but the reason caused the emotion. A small amount of sadness, and still this suddenly wild thought of "I'm free. One day I really will be free." It doesn't make much sense I suppose, but that is what went through my head.
We are spending less time together. He no longer seems to care whether he gets my "after dinner hanging out to watch TV" attention anymore. He is disengaged and detached as I am. He senses that I have pulled away and I believe feels defeated in calling me back.
I play my role, and he plays his. We get by. The day is coming when I walk away. He dreads it. He doesn't want me at all, but he dreads me leaving because he can't be alone. He has to figure that out. He is 48 years old and I have always been here to catch him. I've been a good wife. A perfect wife? No way, but I did the best I could do and I still continue to help him. It's more than most might do.
I admit, the thought of being along excites and scares me too. The fear of being alone the rest of my life scares me too but, aren't I alone here? Yes, there are people around but the security of a bonded intimate relationship doesn't exist. A body hunkered down on the other end of the couch fills a physical space. It doesn't fill a void.
-Raven
51-55, F
