I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Today while I was driving I happened to glance down at my fingers and I realized something. The indention of where my rings used to be (my engagement and wedding band) are gone. The skin looks firm and bare like nothing had ever been there.
It was a strange mix of emotions for some reason. I haven't worn them in some time so that is why, but the reason caused the emotion. A small amount of sadness, and still this suddenly wild thought of "I'm free. One day I really will be free." It doesn't make much sense I suppose, but that is what went through my head.
We are spending less time together. He no longer seems to care whether he gets my "after dinner hanging out to watch TV" attention anymore. He is disengaged and detached as I am. He senses that I have pulled away and I believe feels defeated in calling me back.
I play my role, and he plays his. We get by. The day is coming when I walk away. He dreads it. He doesn't want me at all, but he dreads me leaving because he can't be alone. He has to figure that out. He is 48 years old and I have always been here to catch him. I've been a good wife. A perfect wife? No way, but I did the best I could do and I still continue to help him. It's more than most might do.
I admit, the thought of being along excites and scares me too. The fear of being alone the rest of my life scares me too but, aren't I alone here? Yes, there are people around but the security of a bonded intimate relationship doesn't exist. A body hunkered down on the other end of the couch fills a physical space. It doesn't fill a void.
-Raven

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SW-User

Totally there, raven. I feel like we are constantly calling eachother's bluffs. We have locked ourselves in a life and we can't leave. (Trust me.. we just made it worse by moving to a tougher divorce state and living almost beyond our means)

We have one show we share together and the rest of our nights "might" be spent in the same room. Then we go our separate ways for bed.

This site is going for finding those in the same situation. I feel for you. I really do. Take care!

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

Sounds about right here except for living beyond the means. I don't know if my state is tough for divorce or not.
I know the common response is "just leave." (Usually said by younger people lol) but the truth is you can't always just leave.

SW-User

Agreed. Every birthday for my kid is one year closer to when we split. She knows it too.

I think my son would have been fine if we separated earlier this year when we had the chance. I guess we will never know.

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

It makes you wonder how people with normal (or above normal lol) sex drives find the ones who have zero? I ask myself all the time....

SW-User

I had drive. My wife did a tremendous job of hiding what she is really like when she is tired of you. Our short dating/engagement never brought it out.

Her most common defense mechanism is meanness. It's hard to keep a sex drive when your wife has emasculated you. I think it's from the trauma of having her alcoholic mom and a dad who was a jackass because he was emasculated. She never learned any correct behaviors and has made no attempt to talk to a professional.

I may be making bad generalizations here but I think you just need to be yourself. Play your game. Be sexy. In the home and out. I'm not saying cheat but be a woman. He's either going to get it. Or you'll get attention outside to at least satisfy some of your womanly needs.

I do the same thing but I have converted it to usefulness and humor (hopefully sexy features of a man).

ravenwind43 · 51-55, F

Similarly, I think he wanted to be married, and when I agreed I was "exciting" to him, but once the deed was done his interest waned. He has some issues with depression too. I'm sure it contributes to his overall attitude.
I do what I can. I haven't "cheated," at least in some offline capacity. I am confident in my appearance and where I am not I have taken steps to improve. I am concerned with my happiness or at least contentment now.
Those are both good traits, yep!

melbeacher · 56-60, M

@ravenwind43: That is my situation.High gear for me and neutral for her.