I Live In a Sexless Marriage

My anniversary is coming up soon...seventeen years. When I say it or even type the number it makes it all the more horrible. The fact that I have spent 17 years of my life this way makes me question my sanity, but the truth is that in any situation you learn to get by, adapt, and mentally settle in. It's healthy and yet it's not. Other circumstances create the need to adapt...whatever they are...but you mentally suffer inside. I am at a place now where the suffering has ended. I am no longer grieving it and am now working on my exit plan and working on myself, physically and mentally. To say that I don't think about the lost time would be a lie. I can't get stuck there though.
He wants to go to dinner and present me with a mushy card. I will go. I will go instead of having an argument and a fight. I don't even have the interest in fighting about it, but it does make me wonder why this is still important to him. Is it simply tradition? He cares for me I am sure but there is no love or and hasn't been passion for a long time. Maybe I go because I still care for him, despite everything. I won't get a card...he doesn't care about them and I won't say things I don't feel, even in a card.
I view my future from a singular mind. Even if it doesn't come for 5-10 more years, I know it will. Even if I am alone the rest of my life I will do it anyway, because a chance for something better is still a chance, and I don't want to miss it when it comes.
-Raven

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hopelesslyromanticman

Beautiful. So many truths. We all do things that would make others scratch their heads...but our reasons are valid...if only to us. I stayed as well...for 40 years. Love-less, sex-less, friendship-less, romance-less, companionship-less. Like you, I still cared...not that I loved her, I just cared what happened to the mother of my children...and, egotistically, I also took pride in taking care of my family...even at the risk of total neglect and loss of personal respect and acceptance. Even in the face of the absence of love and sex...passion and friendship. I finally hated myself so much, that I decided, with the encouragement of our adult children, (they love their mother but also hate the way she treated me), to get out. Again, like you, I decided I would be much happier living life alone, because, as you so eloquently put it, "a chance for something better is still a chance". Because she is a manipulator and narcissist, she has vowed to destroy me for having the nerve to leave her...and she is doing everything she can to make good on that threat. I got lucky..."something better" happened. I met, and fell in love with an incredible lady. Not sure where that will go, but at least I finally experienced a soul mate, a true love, an unconditional love, a best friend...something few will ever. I applaud you for your decision to finally get out and get along. Your "something better" will come along too...I wish you the best of luck...and happiness.