I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Sometimes I think I’m an ILIASM failure. I left my SM 2 years ago. However, I’m not one of the lucky ones who has already found a new relationship. Nor am I one of the blissed-out serenity junkies who’s just thrilled to be single. I’ve done some dating that didn’t work out, and that’s all I’ve gotten after leaving. I wanted something *better* than the SM.....not something equally as painful in a different way.

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will999 · 70-79, M

Hi SmartKat 51-55, F I think I know how you feel. My SM ended in 1982, more than 35 years ago now when I suspected my partner of having an affair. She vehemently denied it, then left abruptly moving in with the prime suspect on the very same day. I paid my EX half what I got for our home to be fair to her and let go of her completely to be fair to me. I may have made a better decision if I'd had a little more cooperation from her. Her back door lover dumped her shortly after she had his child. I was a weekend parent for 15 years focusing on work in order to provide for myself and my 2 children which left little time for anything else. I had one or two postmarital relationships which did not last for various reasons leaving me sad lonely and single. I do not think my EX is very happy either but what's done is done and can not be easily undone. Neither am I one of the blissed-out serenity junkies. I have learned some hard lessons, the biggest one being that actions have consequences. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

PoetryNEmotion · F

@will999 Sounds like you are unhappy still. But do tell me, are you not in a better place than you ever were while with the ex? One always has hindsight. But one cannot change what happened. The majority of guys mention finances and how it costed them financially. Money matters less than being free to me. And exes do not cooperate. Do you not think your children had better lives than having 2 parents who didn't love one another under the same roof? I rarely hear anyone who has left a sexless marriage behind complain about their situation. But everyone who is in one is miserable even those who claim that everything else besides the lack of sex is "okay" or tolerable. I don't know what you mean with the ounce of prevention statement.

will999 · 70-79, M

@PoetryNEmotion Hello. To put it simply, I used to love her but it's all over now. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was the discovery that she was making it with a freeloader at my expense. That is what undermined the foundation of trust in our marriage. It is quite a lot more than just the sex. Yes, sex is important but I cannot tolerate the loss of common purpose or the spiteful dishonesty. She never budged from a position of avid denial even when the evidence was undeniable. I felt like a fool for loving her. Today she lives with someone else and for all I know, she is probably cheating on him too. The poor hopeless fool appears to be much like I used to be, upright citizen and good provider with an adult daughter of his own. Our paths rarely cross these days except for the fact that we have 2 adult children and 2 grandchildren in common. It can be rough on the kids knowing that their parents don't get along so I try to be tactful for their sake (it is a high wire act). My final comment about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure relates to my wife having an affair with little thought about the consequences. She is not happy about the outcome but I will not take all the blame for it. Her freedom came at a very high price. It cost her and me and our 2 kids more than we can afford.

PoetryNEmotion · F

@will999 Thank you for answering my questions. I wish you well. And I am sorry you had to go through all this.

will999 · 70-79, M

@PoetryNEmotion Thanks for replying. I can now speak from experience, the only relationship which endures is the one with a firm foundation of trust and respect. When that foundation is lost there is no real winner.

Collegegirl23 · 31-35, F

@will999 how sad