I Am In a Long Distance Relationship
(I'm writing this in hopes to get my thoughts in order. I know I'm not the best person out there. And I know the internet is filled with not so great people too. So if you don't have anything helpfull to say, just don't say anything. Thank you)
We were together for a year. Then we it suddenly ended and we didn't talk for a month. Everyone told me not to message him back (since he's the one that ended things), not to think about him. But I couldn't, so I messaged him.
We argued, now we're back together. I think. Sort of. Things don't feel like they were. Though I guess that's to be expected. He's working all the time now, so I don't know if things are quieter just because he's busy or if my paranoia is right in thinking things are awkward or he doesn't want to open up to me yet since I now have to prove myself to him. I have until the end of the end too do so, a time limit I imposed myself.
I'm not opening up to him as much either. I'm not telling him about my day, my problems with my mom, how much I've been feeling down and crying practically every day. I'm scared of opening up and getting things back to how they were, just to in a few months time things collapse again because I didn't accomplished what he needs me to and what I said I would. I don't want to bring his hopes up just for them to crash again, and I don't want to go through that again.
I know he's right to be uncertain about a relationship with me (at least I suspect he's uncertain). Going to turn 26, never had a job, still living with my parents, can't seem to shake my mom's control over me, probably seriously need a therapist. Graduated almost a year ago, but it's a career path I didn't want to take. And one I need to show my university's work which I have to re-do since I lost all the files. And it's one that's hell to find a job in anyway.
Sometimes I feel I sound very naive in thinking like this, but I just want to be happy. Despite being 25 with no job, I want to work on the career path I want to have instead of remaining stuck in the one that makes me unhappy. But that would mean more years of study and no earning money. And he wants to plan to the future together, a family and all those adult responsible things.
That scares me. I want those things, but it's seems like he wants them sooner, and I'm not sure I'm ready.
I said I would have a job and my own my place by the end of the year, but I don't feel confident I will. And even if I will, I'm afraid I'll still feel unworthy because he's had years to earn and save money for a house and kids, and so it will take me years to save the same amount.
I keep telling myself and feeling that I will start looking around for job next month when I'm out of my mom's reach (since I'm going back to university in another city). But then sometimes I fear that what if even there I post pone things again, it seems I make a habit of it. And what if even there, in another city, I keep feeling down and can't will my body to do anything too (this is why I should probably get a therapist...and this story maybe should be in another group too)
But even though I keep having these insecurities and negative thoughts, and sometimes thinking he deserves better than me, I can't letting him go. It makes me feel selfish sometimes, but I don't think I'll ever find someone as great as him, I don't want to lose him.
We were together for a year. Then we it suddenly ended and we didn't talk for a month. Everyone told me not to message him back (since he's the one that ended things), not to think about him. But I couldn't, so I messaged him.
We argued, now we're back together. I think. Sort of. Things don't feel like they were. Though I guess that's to be expected. He's working all the time now, so I don't know if things are quieter just because he's busy or if my paranoia is right in thinking things are awkward or he doesn't want to open up to me yet since I now have to prove myself to him. I have until the end of the end too do so, a time limit I imposed myself.
I'm not opening up to him as much either. I'm not telling him about my day, my problems with my mom, how much I've been feeling down and crying practically every day. I'm scared of opening up and getting things back to how they were, just to in a few months time things collapse again because I didn't accomplished what he needs me to and what I said I would. I don't want to bring his hopes up just for them to crash again, and I don't want to go through that again.
I know he's right to be uncertain about a relationship with me (at least I suspect he's uncertain). Going to turn 26, never had a job, still living with my parents, can't seem to shake my mom's control over me, probably seriously need a therapist. Graduated almost a year ago, but it's a career path I didn't want to take. And one I need to show my university's work which I have to re-do since I lost all the files. And it's one that's hell to find a job in anyway.
Sometimes I feel I sound very naive in thinking like this, but I just want to be happy. Despite being 25 with no job, I want to work on the career path I want to have instead of remaining stuck in the one that makes me unhappy. But that would mean more years of study and no earning money. And he wants to plan to the future together, a family and all those adult responsible things.
That scares me. I want those things, but it's seems like he wants them sooner, and I'm not sure I'm ready.
I said I would have a job and my own my place by the end of the year, but I don't feel confident I will. And even if I will, I'm afraid I'll still feel unworthy because he's had years to earn and save money for a house and kids, and so it will take me years to save the same amount.
I keep telling myself and feeling that I will start looking around for job next month when I'm out of my mom's reach (since I'm going back to university in another city). But then sometimes I fear that what if even there I post pone things again, it seems I make a habit of it. And what if even there, in another city, I keep feeling down and can't will my body to do anything too (this is why I should probably get a therapist...and this story maybe should be in another group too)
But even though I keep having these insecurities and negative thoughts, and sometimes thinking he deserves better than me, I can't letting him go. It makes me feel selfish sometimes, but I don't think I'll ever find someone as great as him, I don't want to lose him.
31-35, F
