I do love my Husband...

Twelve years ago, my Husband retired. He was 54 years old. He had worked up to Supervisor at his job over the prior 30 years. He was making pretty good money and we didn't want for anything. We had 4 kids still at home as well.

One day he came home and told me that his boss didn't like him and had pulled him into the office to tell him why. My Husband didn't tell me why his boss didn't like him. He just said his boss told him, " If you didn't have 4 kids at home I would fire you!". Well, about a week after that, my Husband asked me if we could make it on just his pension if he retired.

Now, this is where a red flag went up. My Husband had gotten the Supervisor position becuase his boss had been caught using porn at work. They gave his boss the choice to be fired or retire,so his boss retired. I asked my Husband if he had been caught using porn at work and he said no, but he had a porn addiction. He had broken 30 or more promises, over 15 years, to stop using porn. The broken promises did alot of damage to my trust in him, and hurt me deeply. I had made the deal with him to end my emotinal affair, if he would quit porn 15 years before this all happened, but he couldn't quit porn. I walked away from my emotional affair and never reached out to anyone again because it hurt my Husband. As far as I know, I do belive my Husband's has kicked his porn addiction, now.

When my Husband asked about retiring, we had been fighting almost daily for the prior 2 months. Things were already strained between us. He knew I wouldn't be able to go to work, because I have crippling Social Anxiety, and I was homeschooling our kids. In my heart, though, I knew I would go to work if I had to. So, at that point, my answer was, " I guess we can, if I still love you". I honestly didn't know how I felt at that point.

Well, we lived below the poverty level for the next 10 years. My Husband's pension was less than half of what he had been making. The kids and I stood in food lines and all that good stuff. We lost our health insurance, so although I had been seeing a doctor regularly, for so many illnesses, I became my own doctor. It was a rocky time, but the kids learned so many great lessons about life. We all learned, " Waste Not Want Not'. We repaired our clothing, repaired everything in the house. We hardly ever bought anything new. We all learned the differences between want and need. All in all it was a peaceful time. Two years ago my Husband got his Social Security started, and with his pension, we are doing ok again.

However, over the years, sometimes this memory pops up that I keep stuffed in the back of my head. It is a question really. Why did my Husband retire,really? He only had 6 months to go until he would have had full retirement and more money each month. I think it was probably the porn thing, but I fear that if my Husband won't tell me because he thinks I will not love him anymore, it would have to be more than the porn thing. Anyway, I always quickly stomp that question back down in my mind and keep going.I do love my Husband, and I am pretty sure, no matter what his reason was for having to retire, I would still love him. If he thinks I wouldn't, though, it is probably a good thing he never tells me. It would only hurt me, and there would be nothing we could do about it anyway.

So, I guess when I told my Husband we could make it on just his pension if I still loved him, I guess I did still love him. :-)

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