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I found out my (F42) bf (M26) is seeing a counsellor to try and move past some things regarding him and I and I'm not sure how to bring it up to him?

So a little context here: I'm 42 female and divorced. He's 26 male and was a virgin before he met me waiting for the right woman. He went through a drug addiction that he was in when I first met him and had a lot of emotional issues and childhood neglect and trauma that he had to work past but he really pulled through it all and changed himself for the better. He's ripped now and skilled and talented at a lot of things and is just all around a really sweet guy.

I used to be a call girl in my 20s and he knows this and I went through my own alcoholism and string of rough relationships until I met my husband, fell in love and divorced after ten years few months ago. My bf has been my friend for a couple years and has been incredibly supportive and I started seeing him a while ago.

We had a talk about what we both want. I spent a couple months after my divorced kind of exploring around sexually and we continued to hang out and things went how they go and one night I realized I wanted him. We talked about what we both want because he's a lot younger and a really sweet sentimental guy and I knew he wouldn't just want a fling and tbh I wanted to give him a try. But while we were talking I sort of dumped a lot of my past onto him and was worried he'd see me different. There were a couple times when I was 22 working as a call girl when I'd get requested by high profile clients who wanted me to do threesomes or gang bangs and here he was around that age working diligently in College and I know he's secretly insecure about his body because he used to be that lonely, skinny sad kid who got picked on all the time and he still thinks of himself as a loser like that and now he's gorgeous and ripped. He was incredibly understanding with it all and just consoled me on all the fears and told me none of it matters because we're together now and he gets to have me which honestly made me feel so giddy. I struggled with turning 42 recently.

He left his phone unlocked while he was in the shower recently and I couldn't help but notice a girl texting him. I didn't think he was cheating since he's too romantic for that but I looked anyway and I read the entire string of texts...he's seeing a counsellor. He's been seeing her for a couple months, a little while after we started seeing each other. It honestly made me feel so bad to see what he sent her: Stuff about how he's jealous and somewhat resentful and hurt over my past and not just the call girl part but the relationships I had in high school and he doesn't think I can actually see the real him and he feels like a loser for having been 26 and still a virgin and doesn't think I value how he waited as much as he does. One of the real stinging texts also mentioned how he's worried since I've been married before I can never really love again and he's not the love of my life and he hears me talk about my past and sees my old photos and just feels bad that he couldn't have been there or had something like I did. He also mentioned to her that he can't tell me anything because he doesn't want me to feel bad like something's wrong with me. I guess he texts her what he wants to talk about before sessions. From what I can tell he's had 5 or 6 so far.

I know it was wrong of me to look. And I didn't bring it up to him, he came out of the shower and we just went to dinner as planned. I think he can tell something's wrong though because tbh I just don't feel great. It just hurts to know that he keeps this from me and has so much turmoil over what we have that he goes to a counsellor over it and I don't know how to bring it up to him because he'll know I looked. All of that stuff he said the night we talked about things and the way he was so confident and consoling is just some lie.

What the hell do I do with this?
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my advice would be the same as the user below because honestly you don't know how he'll react to the privacy breach.

I know that it wouldn't bother me but I tend to have extraordinary trouble keep secrets from a romantic partner it's just too much when I'm in love I tend to want to give full disclosure/undivided attention.

But not all men are me-i'd feel relieved. I don't know how he would.

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KS3TNhIMIU0]
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
@BetweenKittensandRiots So sorry, the same as who?
@MinxyMAlice jessmari. although fairydust has a point.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
@BetweenKittensandRiots I knew he had a fucked up past as a boy and I was ready for it, I knew he had changed and worked through it and become a different guy in the time we didn't see each other but I never figured I'd get together with him, tell him all my fears, have him console me and then find out he turned around and told some strange how he ACTUALLY feels. That stings.
@MinxyMAlice I had a painful past but I wouldn't call it fucked up. Dude sounds more traumatized than I was. mine was just being bullied a lot. it's painful but it's normal.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
@BetweenKittensandRiots Considering how open he is about a lot of it I don't think it'd be bad to share some here especially since I'm just trying to get some insight here to deal with this:
There's a lot of stuff. His mother was never attentive and I know he has trust issues believing someone can love him because of it. He mentioned once that one of the happiest things she told him was she never thought he'd make it to 18, I guess he had a history of drug abuse and self harm. His older brother left and she won custody of him and raised him but left off with her alcoholic boyfriends and he basically raised himself from age 12 onward. I think she's also the reason he thinks that men are all monsters and he can't be good and he's afraid no one will see him as a boy.
I also have my suspicions from some of the things he's said about her that he may have been sexually abused. Either by her or his aunt. He mentions some stuff so casually in passing like it's normal it's hard to take it in sometimes I think he thinks a lot if it was normal.
There's other stuff that I know that happened to him that I know some stories he told but don't know the details. Like he never really had many friends all throughout his childhood and was constantly bullied. He's told me stories about getting regularly beat by three other boys in a ditch and walking home with black eyes and bruises. Or the time he asked a girl he really liked out to a dance and she said yes and he got her flowers and then it turned out it was a dare for a "pig party" and he was one of the ugly pathetic guys. Hard to imagine that now.
I also know the reason he's still a virgin is because his first kiss was with a girl 4 years older than him who was a little forceful and he didn't like her and left when she made him uncomfortable. And his only real gf before me left him after finding out he was a virgin when he was 21.

I remember when I worked as a call girl I had guys who were WAY too aggressive and forceful and some who even tried to follow me home and I think those days were nice compared to some of the stuff he told me.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
It's difficult to admit my past as a call girl to someone I feel for like this, have them comfort and reassure me and then turn around and find out that he actually DOES have problems with it and feels jealously and resentment over it despite the fact that a good amount of that time I was getting creeped out or downright mistreated by the guys I worked with.
A couple of them were downright abusive but luckily I worked for a reputable company that never let any mistreatment slide.
@MinxyMAlice I stoppped giving a fuck personally.

Things happened. My ex and me got pretty close for awhile and honeslty we're still capable of being friends but after we split she told me she told pics because she needed money to Feed her kid and I personally Started to become more and more open minded.

If I like somebody it doesn't really matter what they've done and where they've been except to the the extent that our past makes us who we are today so of course I like to be AWARE of it but it doesn't effect how I see them.

I am very progressive sentimentally and would even vote for a woman for political high office I knew had worked as a porn star if she had the right platform. things shifted- perhaps in the past I was unwilling to let things effect me personally but now...
it's different. It can touch me.

I like to know peoples past so I know what Baggage I'm going to be dealing with but I am NON judgemental. The stigma is gone with me.

basically the women in my life slowly changed my opinion.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
@BetweenKittensandRiots Tbh I don't fully know how I ended up in that job at the time. I didn't necessarily need the money but I was having a bit of trouble finding a job in a new city and I hadn't really figured out where I wanted to go in life yet and a friend of mine had started doing it so I figured, I'm young, if she can do it, why not?
I don't necessarily regret it. Tbh when I had alcohol problems I had tons of relationships outside of my time working with clients that were much closer to being nightmares than anything any of my clients did.
I think my bf has a high value on sex and the emotional intimacy that it's tied to in his mind and the romanticism of it all. And the loneliness and lack of love in his past and the trust issues from it all leads him to feel resentful and jealous. I can understand it even though it really stings.
Tbh when I think back, I've told him some things that probably really stung him in the moment when he said stuff to me.
@MinxyMAlice I think the one thing that really changed my outlook is that even though I know women work their ass off to be attractive and that it really IS hard work to be sexy and I have nothing but respect for the profession if I were in demand I'd be doing it too.

I can't judge you given that I'd love the role myself.
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