I found out my (F42) bf (M26) is seeing a counsellor to try and move past some things regarding him and I and I'm not sure how to bring it up to him?

So a little context here: I'm 42 female and divorced. He's 26 male and was a virgin before he met me waiting for the right woman. He went through a drug addiction that he was in when I first met him and had a lot of emotional issues and childhood neglect and trauma that he had to work past but he really pulled through it all and changed himself for the better. He's ripped now and skilled and talented at a lot of things and is just all around a really sweet guy.

I used to be a call girl in my 20s and he knows this and I went through my own alcoholism and string of rough relationships until I met my husband, fell in love and divorced after ten years few months ago. My bf has been my friend for a couple years and has been incredibly supportive and I started seeing him a while ago.

We had a talk about what we both want. I spent a couple months after my divorced kind of exploring around sexually and we continued to hang out and things went how they go and one night I realized I wanted him. We talked about what we both want because he's a lot younger and a really sweet sentimental guy and I knew he wouldn't just want a fling and tbh I wanted to give him a try. But while we were talking I sort of dumped a lot of my past onto him and was worried he'd see me different. There were a couple times when I was 22 working as a call girl when I'd get requested by high profile clients who wanted me to do threesomes or gang bangs and here he was around that age working diligently in College and I know he's secretly insecure about his body because he used to be that lonely, skinny sad kid who got picked on all the time and he still thinks of himself as a loser like that and now he's gorgeous and ripped. He was incredibly understanding with it all and just consoled me on all the fears and told me none of it matters because we're together now and he gets to have me which honestly made me feel so giddy. I struggled with turning 42 recently.

He left his phone unlocked while he was in the shower recently and I couldn't help but notice a girl texting him. I didn't think he was cheating since he's too romantic for that but I looked anyway and I read the entire string of texts...he's seeing a counsellor. He's been seeing her for a couple months, a little while after we started seeing each other. It honestly made me feel so bad to see what he sent her: Stuff about how he's jealous and somewhat resentful and hurt over my past and not just the call girl part but the relationships I had in high school and he doesn't think I can actually see the real him and he feels like a loser for having been 26 and still a virgin and doesn't think I value how he waited as much as he does. One of the real stinging texts also mentioned how he's worried since I've been married before I can never really love again and he's not the love of my life and he hears me talk about my past and sees my old photos and just feels bad that he couldn't have been there or had something like I did. He also mentioned to her that he can't tell me anything because he doesn't want me to feel bad like something's wrong with me. I guess he texts her what he wants to talk about before sessions. From what I can tell he's had 5 or 6 so far.

I know it was wrong of me to look. And I didn't bring it up to him, he came out of the shower and we just went to dinner as planned. I think he can tell something's wrong though because tbh I just don't feel great. It just hurts to know that he keeps this from me and has so much turmoil over what we have that he goes to a counsellor over it and I don't know how to bring it up to him because he'll know I looked. All of that stuff he said the night we talked about things and the way he was so confident and consoling is just some lie.

What the hell do I do with this?

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Fairydust · F

If he’s had past trauma and neglect, he might just need more reassurance about how you feel?
He might feel unworthy and dwelling on your feelings for him. I wouldn’t bring it up but just make him feel loved, might take time.

MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F

@Fairydust This is a really difficult situation. I know he has TONS of early childhood trauma. When we first met he was a drug addict and was a complete mess and was extremely open with me about all of his trauma. We didn't see each other for a long time and he cleaned himself up and changed and since then he doesn't talk about his past as much and when he does it's the bare minimum and he often deflects with humour. In fact we've both done a complete 180. Thanks to my divorce I'm just starting to pull myself back together emotionally and financially and he's a major part of that. He's told me A LOT. But I've learned that whatever he's told me there's A LOT more that happened to him that he didn't tell. I think I'm the best thing to happen to him in a long time.

I just feel bad and helpless knowing that he feels he can't share all of his fears and concerns with me and would rather talk to a stranger about it.
There's stuff that I can literally see in him like when I touch him he still flinches on occasion and he shakes at night from nightmares.

Fairydust · F

@MinxyMAlice maybe in time suggest you go with him, Might be easier for him to open up? It hard but just be as supportive as you can, I wouldn’t take it to heart, he’s probably very insecure, he’s probably never felt like this before, maybe worrying you can’t love him.

MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F

@Fairydust Oh I know he thinks I can't love him. Something happened to him when he was 12, he keeps saying "inside I'm a boy" and "in my mind I'm 12" but I don't 100% know what it was, there are a few options. But I know whatever it was he's still a kid inside because of it and thinks woman will ever see him as a sweet kid just some monster and he was constantly bullied and called a loser throughout his youth.

Now, he's hot. Incredibly handsome and I mean, he has jacked himself right up. Still lean but it's hard to believe anyone thought he was ugly or a loser as a kid. I think he's scared no one will see who he is underneath that.

What the hell would I do going in there with him? "Hey, so this is the lady I saw you texted secretly?" What an awkward situation that's going to be. I'm really trying here but it's tough. If he weren't the sweetest guy pulled out of a rom-com and put in so much effort to help me through my divorce it wouldn't be worth the effort.

Fairydust · F

@MinxyMAlice do you have any idea what happened to him at 12? Just give it time. He’ll probably open up the longer you are together and he feels safe.

MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F

@Fairydust He's an interesting character. There's some stuff he's fully open about because he just doesn't seem to realize that it wasn't normal and in his mind it's just a normal part of childhood. For instance, he flat out told me a story one day with no prompt and completely unapologetically about how he walked in on his mother fucking another man he was 7. Then while I digested that he went to go make popcorn for our weekly movie night like nothing happened.

Then there's the stuff that he clearly knows was traumatic and has feelings about and dances around so you get pieces of the puzzle but never quite a clear picture.

I know when he was 12, four things happened:
-His parents divorced messily.
-He met his Aunt. The most he's ever said about her is she wasn't a nice lady and he doesn't have many happy memories of her.
-His mother abandoned him. She was still around and he lived with her after she won custody, but starting from this age he raised himself while she spent all her time with boyfriends.
-He met one of his mother's first boyfriends, Kurt. I don't know anything about Kurt other than he was an alcoholic (he's said all of his mother's boyfriends were alcoholics).

It's actually interesting trying to piece it all together sometimes it's like trying to make a canvas come together.

That's how I divide his past stories though: The ones he has absolutely no problem talking about in graphic detail because he just as no fucking clue how completely not okay and not normal they are and the ones that you're probably gonna have to hear him tell a few times over the course of a few years to come close to understanding. Really, there's so much he's been open about that I actually realize that I didn't really know that much about him before the year and a half we spent away from each other.

Fairydust · F

@MinxyMAlice just awful to go through all that, it’s good he’s getting help. I can’t imagine how messed up that would make someone.

MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F

@Fairydust Honestly, the heartbreaking thing isn't that it happened to him, it's that he thinks it's so normal and his opinion of himself is so low because of it.

Fairydust · F

@MinxyMAlice understandable with a childhood like that, heartbreaking really.

MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F

@Fairydust True, but it makes the fact that he turned out as an absolute sweetheart all the more impressive and confusing. Cutest thing I've seen him do has oddly been during sex. He stopped to make sure I was okay and wasn't hurt because he's not used to moaning and such yet.
Never had a guy do that before.
Real life isn't porn.

MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F

Plus this man can sing and play a piano like you wouldn't believe. And I don't just say it 'cause I love him, you can feel every note. The songs he plays obviously mean a lot since he typically tears up when he plays. It's actually beautiful to watch really, someone turning their pain and trauma into something so beautiful.