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I found out my (F42) bf (M26) is seeing a counsellor to try and move past some things regarding him and I and I'm not sure how to bring it up to him?

So a little context here: I'm 42 female and divorced. He's 26 male and was a virgin before he met me waiting for the right woman. He went through a drug addiction that he was in when I first met him and had a lot of emotional issues and childhood neglect and trauma that he had to work past but he really pulled through it all and changed himself for the better. He's ripped now and skilled and talented at a lot of things and is just all around a really sweet guy.

I used to be a call girl in my 20s and he knows this and I went through my own alcoholism and string of rough relationships until I met my husband, fell in love and divorced after ten years few months ago. My bf has been my friend for a couple years and has been incredibly supportive and I started seeing him a while ago.

We had a talk about what we both want. I spent a couple months after my divorced kind of exploring around sexually and we continued to hang out and things went how they go and one night I realized I wanted him. We talked about what we both want because he's a lot younger and a really sweet sentimental guy and I knew he wouldn't just want a fling and tbh I wanted to give him a try. But while we were talking I sort of dumped a lot of my past onto him and was worried he'd see me different. There were a couple times when I was 22 working as a call girl when I'd get requested by high profile clients who wanted me to do threesomes or gang bangs and here he was around that age working diligently in College and I know he's secretly insecure about his body because he used to be that lonely, skinny sad kid who got picked on all the time and he still thinks of himself as a loser like that and now he's gorgeous and ripped. He was incredibly understanding with it all and just consoled me on all the fears and told me none of it matters because we're together now and he gets to have me which honestly made me feel so giddy. I struggled with turning 42 recently.

He left his phone unlocked while he was in the shower recently and I couldn't help but notice a girl texting him. I didn't think he was cheating since he's too romantic for that but I looked anyway and I read the entire string of texts...he's seeing a counsellor. He's been seeing her for a couple months, a little while after we started seeing each other. It honestly made me feel so bad to see what he sent her: Stuff about how he's jealous and somewhat resentful and hurt over my past and not just the call girl part but the relationships I had in high school and he doesn't think I can actually see the real him and he feels like a loser for having been 26 and still a virgin and doesn't think I value how he waited as much as he does. One of the real stinging texts also mentioned how he's worried since I've been married before I can never really love again and he's not the love of my life and he hears me talk about my past and sees my old photos and just feels bad that he couldn't have been there or had something like I did. He also mentioned to her that he can't tell me anything because he doesn't want me to feel bad like something's wrong with me. I guess he texts her what he wants to talk about before sessions. From what I can tell he's had 5 or 6 so far.

I know it was wrong of me to look. And I didn't bring it up to him, he came out of the shower and we just went to dinner as planned. I think he can tell something's wrong though because tbh I just don't feel great. It just hurts to know that he keeps this from me and has so much turmoil over what we have that he goes to a counsellor over it and I don't know how to bring it up to him because he'll know I looked. All of that stuff he said the night we talked about things and the way he was so confident and consoling is just some lie.

What the hell do I do with this?
Fairydust · F
If he’s had past trauma and neglect, he might just need more reassurance about how you feel?
He might feel unworthy and dwelling on your feelings for him. I wouldn’t bring it up but just make him feel loved, might take time.
Fairydust · F
[@1202413,MinxyMAlice] understandable with a childhood like that, heartbreaking really.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
[@1042,Fairydust] True, but it makes the fact that he turned out as an absolute sweetheart all the more impressive and confusing. Cutest thing I've seen him do has oddly been during sex. He stopped to make sure I was okay and wasn't hurt because he's not used to moaning and such yet.
Never had a guy do that before.
Real life isn't porn.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
Plus this man can sing and play a piano like you wouldn't believe. And I don't just say it 'cause I love him, you can feel every note. The songs he plays obviously mean a lot since he typically tears up when he plays. It's actually beautiful to watch really, someone turning their pain and trauma into something so beautiful.
Jessmari · 41-45
Do nothing. He seems to be already working through it.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
[@14041,Jessmari] Shouldn't I be involved somehow though?
Just makes me feel so helpless and terrible he feels he can't talk to me but would rather talk to a stranger. Or that he feels he needs to lie to me because I can't handle how he really feels. I have fears about him too that I've told him about. And he told me he didn't care about the past and then went and told some random woman the truth that he actually does care.
Jessmari · 41-45
[@1202413,MinxyMAlice] You could ask to go to the counselor with him. If he's willing or even ready for that.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
[@14041,Jessmari] Interesting days ahead in my future.
my advice would be the same as the user below because honestly you don't know how he'll react to the privacy breach.

I know that it wouldn't bother me but I tend to have extraordinary trouble keep secrets from a romantic partner it's just too much when I'm in love I tend to want to give full disclosure/undivided attention.

But not all men are me-i'd feel relieved. I don't know how he would.

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KS3TNhIMIU0]
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
[@10406,BetweenKittensandRiots] Tbh I don't fully know how I ended up in that job at the time. I didn't necessarily need the money but I was having a bit of trouble finding a job in a new city and I hadn't really figured out where I wanted to go in life yet and a friend of mine had started doing it so I figured, I'm young, if she can do it, why not?
I don't necessarily regret it. Tbh when I had alcohol problems I had tons of relationships outside of my time working with clients that were much closer to being nightmares than anything any of my clients did.
I think my bf has a high value on sex and the emotional intimacy that it's tied to in his mind and the romanticism of it all. And the loneliness and lack of love in his past and the trust issues from it all leads him to feel resentful and jealous. I can understand it even though it really stings.
Tbh when I think back, I've told him some things that probably really stung him in the moment when he said stuff to me.
[@1202413,MinxyMAlice] I think the one thing that really changed my outlook is that even though I know women work their ass off to be attractive and that it really IS hard work to be sexy and I have nothing but respect for the profession if I were in demand I'd be doing it too.

I can't judge you given that I'd love the role myself.
TimingQuasars · 22-25, M
Wow he gets a older girl lucky bastard... Fuck the counseler if i was him id be happy just having you... Some people smh.. They dont know what they Have smh.. I can be way better lover than that smh

What the heck is f42 and m26 oh nvrmd
TimingQuasars · 22-25, M
[@1202413,MinxyMAlice] anything your bf can do. i can do 100 times better. 😂
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
[@376270,TimingQuasars] Yeeeaaah I hope you figure things out and get that humility going.
Also don't become an Incel, you sort of have an Incel-like mentality.
My bf was a virgin at 26. Didn't bother him in the slightest, in fact he was proud of it. Hates Incels.
Most women do as well. Considering, you know, they tend to kill women.

Be the kind of man you want to be and you think women would want you to be and you'll find you start attracting those women.
TimingQuasars · 22-25, M
[@1202413,MinxyMAlice] i dont kill women Wtf.. Whats humiluty?? Like human?? Ofcourse im human what more do ya want?? Im doing the best i can ok!!?!!
thanamesnyaa · 22-25, F
Don't say anything about it you might make it worse. Instead show him you love him through your actions. Give him that reassurance through your actions and be open for discussion. He will speak to you about it in his time.
MinxyMAlice · 41-45, F
[@7514,thanamesnyaa] I hope so.
Reflection2 · 36-40, M
Keep quiet. Let him handle himself

 
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