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Women: Have you ever blamed yourself for failed marriages/relationships?

If so, what did you need to realize that it was not your fault, and that you could move on in life; thereby, being able to have a relationship again?
SW User
Yes. I believe that I had many faults within my marriage and I own responsibility for every one of them. However, what I will not take the blame for (other than it is what I accepted because I thought I had to and wasn't worth more) is his betrayal and abuse. I can honestly say that I tried everything to make our marriage work.... for 22 years. But it takes two committed people to make a marriage work, and his commitment was to fulfilling his desires/addiction at any cost. I'm still working through it all because my divorce was very recent, but I KNOW I did what was right.
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
[@635091,Gethsemane] Thank you.
Partly yes. I have a friend that has recently filed for divorce, #2, and believes she is the common factor in the failed marriages. Consequently, even though we are friends and get along nicely, she wants me to stay away.
I don't think she really wants me to stay away, but rather wanted to hear from me that it was not her fault, and she will be fine.
SW User
[@10172,aldnazmeister] Yep, I've been where she is.... where you think the only thing you're good for is causing people pain, so you push everyone away. It's a protective mechanism for her really,because she's hurt and afraid, but the lies tell her it's for the sake of others. My suggestion, which I realize you didn't ask for, is to let her know you are there for her when she wants/needs you, and then to give space for her to work through it on her own. It's probably going to get more painful for her for a while. But knowing she has faithful friends will be priceless. Anyway... just my two cents. I hope it works out. ☺
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
[@635091,Gethsemane] Thank you for your advice. That pretty much how it is and what I have told her. It works better for me to give her space due to how far away she lives, but I understand what you are saying. :)
VioletRayne · 31-35, F
[c=#4C0073]I always do that. I tend to over analyze everything. I honestly had to force myself to realize that there is nothing wrong with loving someone and seeing the good in people. Sometimes things just don’t workout no matter how hard you try. Sometimes nothing you do is enough and you have to let it go or lose yourself. I’m the type that will give twice what I get. I’ll try and try to fix it. But when I’m done, I’m done. I’ve already given everything I can and that’s upsetting and frustrating to some people. It not your fault they didn’t give their all when you did. It’s a hard lesson to learn but a necessary one. [/c]
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
Excellent point that you made [@26739,VioletRayne]; sometimes relationships just are not meant to work out, no matter how hard we try.
VioletRayne · 31-35, F
[@10172,aldnazmeister] [c=#4C0073]i don’t really believe in meant to be or not meant to be. Every relationship has the potential to last forever it’s the effort you put in and how much each person values the relationship. If there’s an imbalance then it won’t work. Each person has to put in the same amount of work.[/c]
HotMessExpress102 · 41-45, F
Time and vulnerability...
I needed time to process all that took place in the relationship, from the beginning to the end. Hurt builds giant walls, no matter who was at fault. Through understanding, the walls start to crumble and one can find their vulnerability again and that's when you can start anew. 😊
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
[@15873,HotMessExpress102] I agree, walls get built after a failed relationship, no matter who is at fault and what the reasons. Time and understanding can help lower the walls. :)
SW User
No. Recently divorced, only right thing to do, long story. Nobody got hurt. I know when I´m wrong, never lay the blame on someone else.
Nining · 41-45, F
but it is always men fault
Cowboybob · M
[@404246,Nining] sounds about right
SmartKat · 56-60, F
I always blame myself for things that go wrong in a relationship. Even the one time the guy was borderline abusive - I feel like I was stupid to get involved with him in the first place.
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
[@64306,SmartKat] I can see why you would blame yourself, but you are not at fault if you did not know he was that way in the beginning.
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
[@435994,MightyMarvellous] Good for you.
ZenPearl · F
I still feel it's my fault.
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
[@674752,NumberEleven] Sorry to hear that.
dumpstermeow · 36-40, F
But it was my fault. 🤔
aldnazmeister · 56-60, M
[@492592,dumpstermeow] Oh? Okay then. That can happen.

 
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