I Have Been In An Abusive Relationship

I was just writing a letter to some one special, telling her how I was abused emotionally and mentally and spiritually as a child by my Mother. It got me thinking of the pattern that it set up for the rest of my life. I gravitated to older Dominant women, and the BDSM relationship. Obviously I was the submissive male. Then disastrous relationships where the women ended up being emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive. And how often, I the "Worm Would Turn" and be the sexual abuser (never violently) and I would go to any lengths to have sex. A pattern and a cycle. I just want some one who understands me, accepts me and doesn't judge me. Who I can trust. I am a little drunk, but it is true none the less.

Abuse sets patterns and Paradigms in our minds and lives that can never be erased. The best we can hope for is to find some one special who understands and actually knows what it is like. Then, accepts us for who we really are, not who we pretend to be.

That is my (hopefully) profound thought for the evening.

PS/ And the sad thing is, I feel I am NEVER good enough for some one to feel that way about me.