tired very very tired

life has been hard, the only good thing is my apt. and children. There iare days i feel so helpless and want to just rot away. My son deserves more my daughter deserves more. i am unhealed and truamatized.I wake up so angry because my sons dad is so abusive and controlling that i cant ask for help. it was so bad ..we went on vacation and he was grumpy and would take it out on me and my son. mind u we were sick... he was always mad and wanted to discipline my son so i packed my stuff and left. i cant deal with such an abusive person but yet i need finacial help since he took whatever i had saved for a trip that was cut short. everything bothered this guy oh my god it worst than walking on blocks, Everything he complained about and threw stuff in my face because of course i have an attitude. To find out that he wasnt smoking weed as much so niw i was mortified , then we were in the hotel for 2 days and only ate out ONCE each day and had snacks. it was a mess, nithing was organized. Ill never forget staying up waitong fir him to sleep bxuz i knew if i stood another day i was gonna get hurt because he said in PUBLIC ! it was embarrassing and he kept saying i was using hom but i came with 500 and i had to give it to him bcuz he said he wasnt paying for everything. How can someone take u on a trip and expect u to pay , i was literally forced ....in reality I didnt want to bcuz he made me lose my job so i was broke.. He says one thing and does anotheer. Mind u he has a huge settlement .75k . can u believe he gave all that to his aunt to help him save .. called her a financial advisor ..so a literal woman can access his funds because he scared he will spend it all. Yet he claimed i was his gf (in my head i know im not) it just dont make sense. it embarssing to even say thats my kids father. when i met him he gave me the impression he was a provider .. nope he just got me pregnant out of selfishness and lust .. to always have access to me and im stuck yall im so stuck i break down and cry , im not eating...its so much on my chest because there is DAYS i wanna get a knife and wait by his door till he come out .. For years since 2020 iv been dealing with a serial staller to the point i just need help but that doesnt stop him from being abusive.verbally and physically .. Right now he thinks im states away bcuz i have to play this mind game that we arent in the same state.. my head is just so fcked im sorry for venting