Falling in love through a waterfall of pain.
I’ve fallen head over heels with someone who is a strong believer in a certain religion. After going through my phone reading every whatsapp, Facebook and IG message ive had, he found out I had been hiding that I was hanging out (nothing sexual- literally just hanging out) with someone I had slept with once, on the regular, early on in our relationship. He also found out I had slept with someone else after our second date when we were not even official. The name calling started happening, all the horrible names would come out. I apologized for my mistakes and sincerely regret them but there’s nothing I can do. Since he saw me as a ###, he made me take an STD test that cost me 150$ to make sure I was clean because I was disgusting in his eyes. He tried to break up with me over 20 times, physically hurt me multiple times, kicked me out of the car, dragged me out of the car and threw my shoes far away, threw my laptop bag and threatened to destroy my laptop, told me I belong in the streets Bc I’m cheap, and the list goes on. Somehow I would cry my eyes out, apologize and beg him to stop, to calm down and to not break up with me. I give him my all throughout the months that pass, I guess hoping to prove to him that I am a great person. I cook and bring him food, go to all his sports practices and games, prioritize him over everything (I mean everything), spend money to see him often since he lives on the other side of the city.
Throughout, I’ve lost my sense of self, ive lost weight, lost many friends, got in fights with my mother, given up hobbies, have felt lonely, depressed and have pitied myself and hate myself sometimes and have dark thoughts. Yet I still haven’t left the relationship because I do love him and I understand the reasons why he is the way he is. It’s illogical and I see it. I lack self love perhaps - I mean yes, I’m aware I do.
The day he left me on the street at night after beating me so hard and almost breaking my laptop I thought it was the end of it, but it wasn’t. His words and affection and good company the following days almost made up for the hurt I had gone through. The lies I told those around me that’ all my bruises were from kickboxing were fleeting lies. Cheap and easy lies that I tossed like it was nothing. I’ve become numb to it all. At what point will I stand up on my own and say enough! More importantly I want to know why I accept all of this, why have I been put in this situation? What inside me, or my childhood experiences has led me to go through this?
I’m sorry this is long. It’s been the toughest year of my life and lonely, as there aren’t many I can talk to anymore about this. Forgive me.
Throughout, I’ve lost my sense of self, ive lost weight, lost many friends, got in fights with my mother, given up hobbies, have felt lonely, depressed and have pitied myself and hate myself sometimes and have dark thoughts. Yet I still haven’t left the relationship because I do love him and I understand the reasons why he is the way he is. It’s illogical and I see it. I lack self love perhaps - I mean yes, I’m aware I do.
The day he left me on the street at night after beating me so hard and almost breaking my laptop I thought it was the end of it, but it wasn’t. His words and affection and good company the following days almost made up for the hurt I had gone through. The lies I told those around me that’ all my bruises were from kickboxing were fleeting lies. Cheap and easy lies that I tossed like it was nothing. I’ve become numb to it all. At what point will I stand up on my own and say enough! More importantly I want to know why I accept all of this, why have I been put in this situation? What inside me, or my childhood experiences has led me to go through this?
I’m sorry this is long. It’s been the toughest year of my life and lonely, as there aren’t many I can talk to anymore about this. Forgive me.
31-35, F