Had an epiphany moment this morning.

I've had a couple of long distance relationships the last one lasting 5 years. Actually if I'm honest they were long distance affairs as the gentlemen involved were married. I've come to realise that the reason why I liked that was because the men couldn't actually be with me 100%. I've come to realise that due to me being hurt so many times I don't have enough trust to be able to be in a romantic relationship. I think I was just missing someone wanting me but I realise now that it was only the sexual side of me they wanted and that no longer makes me happy. I'm so much more than just a sexual being in fact I'm not that bothered if the sexual act isn't a part of a relationship now. I want a companion who likes to cuddle and chat, someone who loves me for me, someone happy to be open and honest and mentally available to be in a relationship. Of course being intimate is nice but not essential. I know now "dating" married men isn't healthy for me and I won't do that again. Seeking an honest relationship with someone who themselves are cheating is ridiculous and no longer serves me. Something has changed in my heart and brain and even though my heart feels lonely and I miss my last relationship still I know I'm on the right path. I may end up single for the rest of my days but I am ok with that. Think that's all I want to say about that. Slightly ashamed I had affairs but holding myself accountable feels cathartic.