Toxic love

Iwas in a very toxic relationship for 9 years I met this girl who was married to my friend she was really pretty so I liked her instantly then she one day started telling me that he was really abuaive to her and she didn’t know how to get out she didn’t have parents or a family she was raised in the house where she met her boyfriend who later became her husband saying she basically forced to marry him to get her citizenship and have a place to stay but she said he was always beating her so there I was thinking I could save her and for the next 4 years I constantly caught her sending nudes to other men flirting with other men online who she knew before in real life making plans to meet with them calling them over the phone (not sure if she ever met with anyone) one time she found an ad in Craigslist of a man looking for a sex slave I’m exchange for a free place to live and she messaged him send him pics and videos of herself I didn’t find out till years after I was constantly catching her talking to her ex she went to his house one day and fought his new girlfriend and then after 4 years she started clubbing with her friends so I finally decided to leave her so I did but I couldn’t leave her completely idk why I always felt like I needed to stay with her she had threatened many times to kill herself if I left and whenever I caught her so yeah she needed up being pregnant since valentine day that year and we got back together lived together had a baby but we kept fighting all the time till eventually I started drinking and I drank and drank every weekend till one day I blacked out and I hit my daughters mom in front of my daughter and niece and she left me for about a month and then let me back but I never stopped drinking and then I found out a couple months later that she had sex with a man when she kicked me out and was still talking to him after she had brought me back so I got mad and we fought and I got kicked out again and then she came back and begged and pleaded for forgiveness said she was gonna help me with my alcoholism cause it got worse after the cheating but she kept partying every weekends while I watched the kid and when I didn’t have my kid I would drink and drink and drink I wanted to kill myself with alcohol poisoning and I just. Feel like in the end I lost everything she left me anyways tells everyone she’s a survivor and loves being a single mom and now I still miss her I’m finally 3 months sober and relapse for 2 days but I’m doing better today and I just idk maybe this is something I should have journaled but I just feel like I need to stop blaming everything on myself cause even though I became the alcoholic loser piece of shit she goes to therapy gets to go to school and be successful it wasn’t all my fault am I really the narcissist cause that’s what it feels like it’s okay idk I guess I just wanna someone to tell me I’m not completely wrong but I just feel like I am and like I need to just idk leave