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Nightwings · 31-35, F
I have like this weird PTSD thing around lies specifically. My ex cheated on me a lot (we were very young), but apparently it was the lying which got to me, because this day, I would literally prefer my husband cheating over lying. When he lies, my heart starts beating insanely fast, and I literally start to yawn over and over, like I'm not getting enough oxygen, even though I feel like I'm breathing normally, it's sooo uncomfortable. This wouldn't happen if he literally cheated on me with another woman, like wtf?
swirlie · 31-35
@Nightwings
If your husband is lying to you, you do not have a relationship with him which means you are married to someone whom you do not know.
If your husband is lying to you, you do not have a relationship with him which means you are married to someone whom you do not know.
Nightwings · 31-35, F
@swirlie I understand what you are saying, but we have come a long way since those times. If I'm to honestly answer whether or not I believe he would still lie about some things, I'll say that he probably would. But it takes understanding from both people to solve complicated relationship issues, and I am all there for that. He is trying really hard too. It's important to understand that we are all human who struggle with different issues, and no one is evil, no one is living to hurt the other person. It's important to remember you are together in the first place for a reason, and then begin to solve issues from there. Both people have to want it, and they both have to want to try to solve the problems, for a relationship to succeed. In hindsight, we might not be very compatible, but that doesn't mean that we can't solve our issues and live a wonderful life together, because we love each other.
swirlie · 31-35
@Nightwings
Okay, fair enough!
Okay, fair enough!
Nightwings · 31-35, F
@swirlie Sorry I went on a whole rant lol, I just so often see people online talking about "cutting people out of your life" nowadays, and I don't think that's the best mindset to have. I just feel like the importance of problem solving and leaning empathy gets a bit lost these days.
swirlie · 31-35
@Nightwings
I agree. But there is a difference between lying to your partner to avoid having the truth revealed, versus having empathy to make a relationship work at all cost. In fact, the two are not even related to each other in any meaningful way.
You said that your husband still lies to you which means he's not as committed to the program as you are. That was my only point.
I agree. But there is a difference between lying to your partner to avoid having the truth revealed, versus having empathy to make a relationship work at all cost. In fact, the two are not even related to each other in any meaningful way.
You said that your husband still lies to you which means he's not as committed to the program as you are. That was my only point.
Nightwings · 31-35, F
@swirlie No I mean the lying is the problem, the understanding and sympathy is a way to behave to solve the problem.
I honestly have no idea when my husband last time lied to me, but I can imagine that if he was to do certain things I disagree with, like playing poker for instance, he might lie about it, yes.
It is through empathy that I've learned to understand why he lies. He doesn't do it to hurt me. He is extremely non-confrontational, and I'm not going to play a psychologist and pretend that I understand the reason why, but he seems to just be hideously afraid of confrontation in all aspects of his life.
Like okay, so why do something you agreed not to do in the first place then, like playing poker? It can be addiction, and addiction itself can take many forms, so who knows, but it's not because he wants to hurt me. Unlike sleeping around in a relationship, which is pretty much proof that you just don't care about your partner, addiction is actually difficult to overcome on a personal level; it has nothing to do with me.
I feel like I already wrote so much, so I'm not gonna continue the scenario. What I am trying to say is just that shit happens for reasons that they do, and the responses can just as well be rooted in fear, as disrespect. I know he does not disrespect me, he fears my response.
I am not without my flaws, and he accepts my flaws, so I accept his too, but we both want to become each other's ideal partners. We have that common goal.
I honestly have no idea when my husband last time lied to me, but I can imagine that if he was to do certain things I disagree with, like playing poker for instance, he might lie about it, yes.
It is through empathy that I've learned to understand why he lies. He doesn't do it to hurt me. He is extremely non-confrontational, and I'm not going to play a psychologist and pretend that I understand the reason why, but he seems to just be hideously afraid of confrontation in all aspects of his life.
Like okay, so why do something you agreed not to do in the first place then, like playing poker? It can be addiction, and addiction itself can take many forms, so who knows, but it's not because he wants to hurt me. Unlike sleeping around in a relationship, which is pretty much proof that you just don't care about your partner, addiction is actually difficult to overcome on a personal level; it has nothing to do with me.
I feel like I already wrote so much, so I'm not gonna continue the scenario. What I am trying to say is just that shit happens for reasons that they do, and the responses can just as well be rooted in fear, as disrespect. I know he does not disrespect me, he fears my response.
I am not without my flaws, and he accepts my flaws, so I accept his too, but we both want to become each other's ideal partners. We have that common goal.
swirlie · 31-35
@Nightwings
Okay, now I understand completely what you're saying and I'm agreeing with you. You wrote a lot which I appreciate reading and you've expressed your thoughts more clearly than most people are capable of doing.
Okay, now I understand completely what you're saying and I'm agreeing with you. You wrote a lot which I appreciate reading and you've expressed your thoughts more clearly than most people are capable of doing.