The unfortunate way of making a long term friendship...

A few years back during my really horrible relationship. My partner at the time suggested we open our relationship up.

Initially he wanted to include a 3rd person of my choice.

We spoke about it on end, his thoughts were that due to how busy he was with work he didn't have the time for me.

I was content with how things were studying, caring for dad and working; so long as he could make some time, I wasn't fussed.
All relationships go through phases.

After some time, I decided to humor him in the hope that he would get jealous and change his mind.

I set up a dating account looking for someone that would meet me first and possibly be interested in this open situation.

A few signed up but I only felt comfortable getting to know one.

Funnily enough we clicked.

We had a lot of common interests and just a meeting of minds so to speak.

We decided to meet for dinner to see how we got on. I wasn't planning on taking things further.

After that successful meal happened we talked more and more. He revealed to me that he was in a relationship, that he wasn't happy with at that time and the few friends he did have, didn't seem to fulfill him enough to prevent the idea of wondering if there was more for him.

Feeling guilty, I confessed. I felt like my hands were tied with my boyfriend, this decision and the pressure I felt was what made me test the waters.
I desperately hoped that my boyfriend wouldn't like me getting familiar with others and possibly meeting them.

I told this new guy that I didn't feel comfortable doing any of this. And if I was, I certainly wasn't happy he had a girlfriend.

I strictly posted for single men.

This helped me to decide that it was just too much for me so I ended all communication...

I ended my relationship in the run up to my father passing away as he just wasn't there for me.
He caused me unnecessary levels of stress.

On the day my father was dying, this guy texted me out the blue. During the course of our communication I discussed everything as I chose to be as honest as I could be with him.

It was a simple text, saying he knew I ended contact but he valued the friendship we developed, despite the circumstances with us initially becoming friends he would like if we could talk again. He hoped my father had shown Improvement. He also went on to leave the lines of communication open.

I'm not proud of the poor choices I made.

And I can't blame my ex, because he didn't hold a gun to my head. I knew it was the end for he and I - I was holding on simply because I didn't want to be alone, especially during that time.

I called him. I told him that it was a pleasant surprise that he messaged me. And briefly explained that I was on the way to the hospital.

From that day on we decided to just be friends.

2019- present marks the period of time we've been friends.

We've never looked back.

I was honest with my current partner about the circumstances to us meeting.

He agreed that it was unconventional and not what he wanted to hear, but he trusts that my honesty proves my loyalty and faithfulness in our relationship. ❤

I have helped my friend to talk through some of the issues in his relationship and although she and I haven't met in person she is aware that i exist, as his friend only.

They have gone on to have a child.
Which I couldn't be happier about for them.

Everyone deserves a shot at happiness.

I know I'll be judged for my choices but I think that as human beings we are allowed to make mistakes.

I was a fool for my ex and throughout our relationship he backed me into a corner on so many occasions because I allowed it.

So I only have myself to blame. I've met someone who treats me better and in return I treat him with love, respect and honesty.

No ones perfect and I'm working at being a better person to those I encounter.

I'm just glad I've been given the chance to be able to do this.

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ninjavu · 51-55, M

Interesting story. I don't feel you did anything bad in this situation. We all get put in situations that are not always of our own making and we do the best we can with them; that was what you did. These situations don't all get "resolved" (or turn out) in the way one might expect, and that was also the case for you. I also don't think you have anything to apologize for to anyone, including your bf (ex?) and the other guy you met.

I think it was just a learning experience for you and the gaining of experience, both good things.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@ninjavu it's not really something I'm proud of because it was the devious side of me that made me believe I could convince my partner otherwise.

I remember at the time pleading with my boyfriend that I didn't want to do this and it would ruin our relationship. But he was so set on this, that I really should have just walked away.

I mean single or not it's not nice to use someone like this.

I'm glad that from this situation I have made a genuine friend. Although initial intentions were for more I made it clear a friendship was essential since I needed a connection.

I think had circumstances on his side been different, he would have walked away without looking back.

He needed a friend too.

I don't advise anyone to follow my example it's something I'm not proud of.

But as you say it was a learning experience and I learned that no relationship is worth putting my mental physical and emotional health at risk.

It was a sad period of time for me for a number of reasons.
I don't want to play the victim card because I thought I could handle him.

I was immature!

I'm glad I broke away because I can see the damage caused during our time together.

ninjavu · 51-55, M

@Mellowgirl Fair enough; I'm not going to tell anyone how to feel or not feel. If you're not proud of it then that was part of your learning experience. Good for you. If you face a similar situation again you'll remember this experience and probably react in a way that makes you better able to feel happy or proud.

Rereading your original post the only additional comment I'd make is that I think trying to change someone through indirect means ("... I decided to humor him in the hope that he would get jealous and change his mind") is risky. You might achieve your goal, but you might not and the consequences might be unexpected.

In the end, you gained a friendship -- even when we're in a relationship we need friends outside that relationship, of both genders -- and a relationship that probably wouldn't have survived anyway ended, so I'd say you had a net win. Yes, maybe you don't feel great about that "net win", but it's also not healthy to dwell on the past.

Good luck. :)

DHggmu · 31-35, M

That’s a very interesting story, you went through a lot of different emotions through but in the end something positive came out of it. I’ve had my partner suggest something like this quite a few times, over a long period of time, but I couldn’t see anything positive coming of it (except maybe friendship, funnily enough) but it’s a very complicated situation that I can’t imagine it would’ve worked.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@DHggmu honestly the people that make it work great. But it's just not for everyone.
You and I are in the latter group

DHggmu · 31-35, M

@Mellowgirl It takes a special kind of openness to be able to actually do this, from all parties. So many feelings and emotions and “what ifs” involved, it’s enough to make your head spin.