Am I being selfish for feeling like this?
I come from a broken family one where I was loved by my maternal side and more or less scorned on my paternal side.
I have grown up feeling like I didn't really belong because although my family loved me they lived 2 hours away.
I was bullied alot at varying stages of school and consequently I didn't have a lot of friends.
As I got older I just got on with things but I've noticed that when I tried to find my own family, family members in those friendships didn't really want me to be around.
So I have just got on by having Internet friends, who I treasure a lot and I think the dynamic works.
I've had different dating experiences that haven't work out simply because well I just wasn't right for them.
I met someone I thought was nice and he comes from a stable home.
But I was very honesty initially about my life background and the struggles it presented to me but despite that I was still out going under the right circumstances.
I have been ready to settle down I feel after having counselling and working through my issues.
But I've been noticing my ptsd is resurfacing.
When I met my partners parents I was a little hesitatant about getting close to the dad. My dad passed away 4 years ago and well its still raw and due to the trouble we faced I still question why I speak of him in a positive light when a lot of my pain stems from him.
I have seen how much the father and daughter get on and as lovely as it is it's painful because I always wanted that with my dad.
My boyfriend constantly highlights instances where he helps people financially despite knowing that I'm struggling financially. I would never ask him or want him to give me money because I made a sacrifice to complete a course, eventually I can better my circumstances. But it doesn't help and I'm finding myself wanting to prove I'm not poor and I'm spending money that maybe I'd be better off saving.
It bothers me more that he helps people out when from the outside perspective it feels like he's been walked over.
Ie he was invited to a wedding as a guest through a friend. When they went to the dinner rehearsal they couldn't afford to pay. So in comes my boyfriend with his credit card to save the day.
He says they have paid him back but of however many guests that were there noone else could pay?
He regularly tells me his sister pays a small amount of rent due to her pay. But she regularly has to ask him for help. Borrowing from him...
Despite this she has passed her driving test and wants to buy a car. He initially said that he didn't want her to get it because it's too expensive for her to manage and spoke to his mum about it.
He later revealed she booked a last minute holiday abroad next week and offered to allow her to delay her rent so she could enjoy her trip.
In the next instance he said that he will just buy the car for her because he can afford it and knows it will be a struggle.
What bothers me more is that there's no talk of her savings. But she's doing what she wants with her money and getting a lot of "help" without asking.
He has also mentioned wanting to buy a car but was waiting to sort it out as we have a holiday booked (he hasn't paid for me) in June and are playing another trip in August. So will he have to wait longer again? Or is this going to be a shared car because he paid for it...!
The following day I looked at some shoes I've been wanting for a year. I noted that I had some money left over so I decided to get them as a treat. When I paid for them (with pay installments which he doesn't know) he snapped at me saying I thought you was going to save for them.
I was upset because it's my money. It's not that I couldn't afford them I just thought it was better to distribute the pay so I can still save some money and pay them off in small amounts for a longer period of time, so I can still save along the way.
This feeling of what I can do with my hard earned cash versus what he does with his is feeling unequal and it's building resentment because I'm not asking for help.
In just feeling like I can't do anything right and it's making me feel jealous because I'm doing what I think I'm supposed to as an adult being independent and managing my money. But I'm constantly shot down.
Even compliments are a miss. He criticised how he was dressed because I was dressed different to him.
"now I look like a hood rat!" he was in a hoody and track suit. While I chose all black in varying textures with my Chelsea boots. So I asked him "is that your way of saying I look nice?"
He said he was going to say I looked nice when we were outside.
Why because others may here that but not the negative comment inside?
I'm not in competition with him and I didn't think I needed to be. But it's making me question where he even sees me in his life and on his scale of important people then.
My head is all over the place and I don't like feeling like this. Because I feel sad. I don't even know why we discuss so much about money.
I have grown up feeling like I didn't really belong because although my family loved me they lived 2 hours away.
I was bullied alot at varying stages of school and consequently I didn't have a lot of friends.
As I got older I just got on with things but I've noticed that when I tried to find my own family, family members in those friendships didn't really want me to be around.
So I have just got on by having Internet friends, who I treasure a lot and I think the dynamic works.
I've had different dating experiences that haven't work out simply because well I just wasn't right for them.
I met someone I thought was nice and he comes from a stable home.
But I was very honesty initially about my life background and the struggles it presented to me but despite that I was still out going under the right circumstances.
I have been ready to settle down I feel after having counselling and working through my issues.
But I've been noticing my ptsd is resurfacing.
When I met my partners parents I was a little hesitatant about getting close to the dad. My dad passed away 4 years ago and well its still raw and due to the trouble we faced I still question why I speak of him in a positive light when a lot of my pain stems from him.
I have seen how much the father and daughter get on and as lovely as it is it's painful because I always wanted that with my dad.
My boyfriend constantly highlights instances where he helps people financially despite knowing that I'm struggling financially. I would never ask him or want him to give me money because I made a sacrifice to complete a course, eventually I can better my circumstances. But it doesn't help and I'm finding myself wanting to prove I'm not poor and I'm spending money that maybe I'd be better off saving.
It bothers me more that he helps people out when from the outside perspective it feels like he's been walked over.
Ie he was invited to a wedding as a guest through a friend. When they went to the dinner rehearsal they couldn't afford to pay. So in comes my boyfriend with his credit card to save the day.
He says they have paid him back but of however many guests that were there noone else could pay?
He regularly tells me his sister pays a small amount of rent due to her pay. But she regularly has to ask him for help. Borrowing from him...
Despite this she has passed her driving test and wants to buy a car. He initially said that he didn't want her to get it because it's too expensive for her to manage and spoke to his mum about it.
He later revealed she booked a last minute holiday abroad next week and offered to allow her to delay her rent so she could enjoy her trip.
In the next instance he said that he will just buy the car for her because he can afford it and knows it will be a struggle.
What bothers me more is that there's no talk of her savings. But she's doing what she wants with her money and getting a lot of "help" without asking.
He has also mentioned wanting to buy a car but was waiting to sort it out as we have a holiday booked (he hasn't paid for me) in June and are playing another trip in August. So will he have to wait longer again? Or is this going to be a shared car because he paid for it...!
The following day I looked at some shoes I've been wanting for a year. I noted that I had some money left over so I decided to get them as a treat. When I paid for them (with pay installments which he doesn't know) he snapped at me saying I thought you was going to save for them.
I was upset because it's my money. It's not that I couldn't afford them I just thought it was better to distribute the pay so I can still save some money and pay them off in small amounts for a longer period of time, so I can still save along the way.
This feeling of what I can do with my hard earned cash versus what he does with his is feeling unequal and it's building resentment because I'm not asking for help.
In just feeling like I can't do anything right and it's making me feel jealous because I'm doing what I think I'm supposed to as an adult being independent and managing my money. But I'm constantly shot down.
Even compliments are a miss. He criticised how he was dressed because I was dressed different to him.
"now I look like a hood rat!" he was in a hoody and track suit. While I chose all black in varying textures with my Chelsea boots. So I asked him "is that your way of saying I look nice?"
He said he was going to say I looked nice when we were outside.
Why because others may here that but not the negative comment inside?
I'm not in competition with him and I didn't think I needed to be. But it's making me question where he even sees me in his life and on his scale of important people then.
My head is all over the place and I don't like feeling like this. Because I feel sad. I don't even know why we discuss so much about money.
31-35, F
