Okay, so I'm not sure what you did over the weekend, but spent most of it with my girlfriend and she provided for me a new experience. Unfortunately, the end of the weekend was not so cool ... we had a big blowout fight despite having an amazing weekend. 🤦♀️
Let me start at the beginning...
I flew home Friday night / Saturday morning on a red-eye flight. Normally I can sleep well on planes so this isn't typically a problem. This time, however, I got less than an hour of sleep which really messed up my adjusting to the time zone change. SO I arrived home tired and cranky. She arrived at my place shortly after and immediately noticed my condition and pulled out some blankets for us to snuggle on my couch (she knows I would refuse to go to bed during the day - I just don't do this). We woke up a few times during this extended daytime nap and wore ourselves out again only to fall back asleep. It was a nice welcome home! ;)
We went out to a nice quiet dinner. We talked about going dancing, but given the plans for Sunday it was jointly decided that we would get a good night's rest. Sunday's plan, entirely assembled by her for me as a no-occasion gift, was to rent two motorcycles and go for a ride. We decided to ride south through Providence (where we both attended university) and around Narragansett Bay (see map below).
Approximate reconstruction of our route from Foxboro down through Providence and the West Bay shoreline to Fort Wetherill State Park and then up the East Bay shore and back to Foxboro.
The bike I road was ideal for me! As many of you know, I'm on the smaller side being only 5'1.5" tall (156cm). My girlfriend let the dealer know this and they had a bike picked out for me. I had never heard of the brand, but it was from "Indian Motorcycles" and was a Scout model. I'm told that if you know motorcycles (I don't) then those names would mean something to you. All I can say is that it fit me and my short legs perfectly and road soooo comfortably.
After an hour of training and testing at the dealer's lot we were free to head into the wind. And head into the wind we did. As you can see from the map we had many stretches along the shoreline. What an amazing experience this was! I've had a few but very few experiences on motorcycles in my life and this daylong excursion riding freely into the wind was incredible. Despite taking it very easy as two beginners, it was still an adrenaline rush and those of you who know me, know that I'm an adrenaline junkie. So huge gf-points to Alex for arranging this for me.
So what happened at the end?? What caused the blowout fight I mentioned? Ugh ...
Over the last few weeks and months there's been a few points of "irritation" in our otherwise blissful relationship. She wants to move things along by moving in together; I'm less enthusiastic about sharing my space. She wants me to pull back from my career which requires a ton of travel and can, at times, be less than perfectly safe; and I feel I am at a place that I have worked very hard for ten years to get to. These points of friction hit a peak when I was hurt back in early March.
Fast forward to this perfect weekend of bliss and after our ride as we were driving back home she made a comment about the fact that I can fulfill my adrenaline needs here at home. I don't need to travel off to crazy places to get my fix.
I got quiet. Thought it through. So she arranged this whole day, this amazing day together, just to show me that I don't need a crazy job to get my adrenaline fix??? She evidently thought I do what I do just for the rush??? I was steaming inside. She was asking what was wrong? Why did I get quiet? What did she say? Ugh. Anyway, the second half of our hour ride back to her car was spent arguing. She got in her car quite upset and drove home. I haven't spoken to her yet today. So no idea where we stand at the moment.
A big part of me thinks she would be better off if we did end up breaking up at this point. Don't get me wrong, I do love her deeply and I know she loves me as well. But sometimes, when two people see life differently, love is actually not enough. I know that I can't give her the future that I know she wants and craves. Would she settle for me? Probably. Actually she has been settling over the past year for what I have to offer in a relationship. But this isn't fair to her. So, idk, a lot going on in my head right now. This is just an update for all of you. 😔
This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »
Gosh, do I ever like her. How cool that she arranged all that just to try to win you over. She would sacrifice anything for you, and she just wants to be with you so badly.
Sara, you are stubborn af. That's not a bug, it's a feature. It's what we all love about you. It's what makes you you. But omg it can be infuriating sometimes. 😆
I watched an interview recently with John and Julie Gottman, who do research on what holds relationships together. They say that 69% of relationship problems are not solvable. So it's likely that there will always be constant tension between you over this.
The interview can be seen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS3bfCt0K88
But that doesn't mean you can't make it work. Finding deep love like the two of you have is a precious, precious thing. I have a strong hunch that 2034 Sara would deeply regret it in hindsight if you chose to end the relationship because of your career. I don't know that for sure, but I do know that I've had the same conversation a decade later with my adrenaline-junkie best friend.
I feel like there's got to be some creative solutions that give each of you more of what you want. Like, I'm wondering if there are ways she can spend more time with you when you are overseas. And are there ways that she can have more of you stateside without you losing your autonomy? Those are questions only the two of you can answer. But I think there might be a win-win there somewhere. Or at least an acceptable compromise that give both of you more out of the relationship than you have to give up.
Would she settle for me?
I can't even begin to express how wrong this framing of your problem is. Let's say worst case scenario, she gives up everything she wants in order to be with you. She is NOT settling for you. She is settling for a less-than-ideal living situation. Those two things are 100% different. If she settles, it would be because it is worth it to her in order to have the RIGHT person in her life.
I would encourage you two to have a long conversation where you talk about each other's dreams and what you want from life. Listen while the other is talking and only interject to ask clarifying questions and make sure you fully understand. And then ask each other why. Dig into the reasons why you want the things that you want. For instance, why is autonomy so important to you? What does it mean to you, and why do you find it so fulfilling?
If you let her go because you think you're doing her a favor, I swear to god, Sara, I will find you. I will fly to wherever you are. And I will slap you. And then you will probably take me to the ground and knock the wind out of me. But it will be worth it to get the slap in. Because you would deserve it. 😉
@ShadowSister Thank you, my friend. A lot to think about and digest here. A lot of my SWeeps are making me think this week. This almost feels like EP. ❤️
@sarabee1995 Sorry if that was not advice you wanted to hear. I care about you and your happiness.
I almost wish she would just realize I'm not what she needs and dump me.
I don't want to butt in on the other subthread, but I wanted to respond to this thing you said. Alex is a big girl. She gets to decide for herself what she wants. I do think she owes you an apology; her approach was a tad manipulative. But okay, now she knows her solution not going to work.
You're a leader and a communicator. There has to be a solution that can meet both of your needs. But if there's really not, and if you've literally exhausted all the options, I hope you will let her make the choice, and not decide on her behalf.
You know I have always been Team Alex. That said, I want you to know I am proud of you for living your authentic truth rather than dulling your spark for the sake of another person.
