“How do you want to love and be loved?” is one of the most powerful questions everyone asks. It can produce tears, joy, gratitude, relief or doubt in equal measure, depending on who I am talking to and how much they are able to give and receive the kind of love they most value. Often it can produce quite a long silence, because people haven’t stopped to think about it before.
For example, and please forgive the stereotyping, a man may express his love for a woman by being ‘the family breadwinner’, when really his wife would rather he earned less money and spent more time listening to her. Really listening I mean, not just grunting in the right places… Likewise a woman may express her love by meticulously ironing her husband’s shirts when what he would much prefer is a warm, slow hug at the end of a long hard day.
So, how do you want to be loved? I think there are 6 main ways in which people express their love for each other, in no particular order: Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Intellectual, Practical and Spiritual. In no particular order because none of these, in and of itself, is more worthy or valuable than the other. None of them is right or wrong or better or worse than the other. They are ‘just different’, as I am fond of saying. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, after all. As are happiness, right and wrong, justice… and anything else in the sphere of emotion and opinion.
But, and here’s the rub, relationships seem to work best when the two people in it want to be loved in the same way. Or are able to laugh rather than argue about their differences, based on a bedrock of deep mutual respect. So, before walking up the aisle, or, conversely, walking out the door, ask yourself these 6 questions:
Physical:How much are we attracted to each other physically? Do we each want the same amount of cuddling, holding and kissing?
Sexual: How compatible are our sexual preferences and sex drives? How important is SEX in the relationship? How often are you engaged in good healthy sexual activity with your partner? Are you sexually satisfied in the relationship?
Emotional: How important is it to each of us to honestly share our feelings with each other and be listened to? Are we on the ‘same wavelength’? Can I say about my partner that s/he ‘gets me’?
Intellectual: How important is intellectual stimulation to each of us?
Practical: how well do we work together on everyday domestic issues such as housework and financial planning?
Spiritual: do we share similar views about the meaning of Life? How much are we ‘looking together in the same direction’ in terms of our values and vision?
For those of you with children, we could add a number 7 about attitudes to parenting. In fact, please do post a comment below if you want to add anything else to this list.
Why does it help to go through these 6 questions? Because they reveal our core Values, in other words what is most important to us. Our Values drive our expectations and our happiness is determined, at least in part, by how much these expectations are met by our relationships.
Unmet expectations lead to frustration which can manifest, for example, in extramarital affairs. Or sometimes in a weary resignation or a nagging feeling that you have settled for ‘second best’. Or in an arrogant and futile attempt to change your partner’s personality, for example to try and make them ‘more practical’ or ‘more sexual’ or whatever else may be top of your own priorities. Remember that it is a dangerous game to make your partner into an ‘object of worship’ around whom you build your happiness – it simply puts too much pressure on the other person, while also giving all your own power away.
The other thing is that people change over time. “He’s not the man/woman I married!” is quite a common refrain that I hear. So for example, you may enter a relationship feeling that Intellectual love is not that important to you, but 10 years later it might be top of your wish list. And Values have a habit of shifting around, for example if you have children, ‘Practical’ love can become more important – there is loads more housework for a start!
“It is important to make the effort to calmly construct something together. From there, real love develops. Real marriage is when you have been married for 25 years and feel an even deeper love than when you first met. Love deepens. Love that does not is merely on the simple level of likes an dislikes.”
Wishing you all ‘The Joy of Six’ – here’s to a very fulfilling love life…
I agree and I have more to add: social, cultural/family, resilience/coping
Social - how you see yourself and your role in society. What you can do individually and as a couple in/for society. How important is it for you to contribute to society? Concrete projects you want to work on? It is general but it can make you think about some grand-scale goals in life that can bring even higher fulfillment to both partners in the relationship. Accomplishing these together and helping each other along the way is something that will bring forth positive growth over time (despite any home/work challenges).
Culture/Family - it seems like it is very important to discuss your visions and goals of/as family. It is important for your principles to align (or at least most of them) to have a healthy nest for children to flourish in (if you'd like that, of course). Additionally, your connection to other members of your family can differ from their connection with theirs and also you may feel overwhelmed sometimes. This is something that can sometimes break families - different family relationship expectations. I joined culture and family together because most often than not, we carry cultural traits originating from our family. In today's world, sharp differences in cultural/family life values can make people who love each other a lot divorce because often most things lean towards one family more than the other. It is important as a couple to find your balance and harmonize your relationship with your families from both sides, if possible. If not.... or if you both grew up in difficult environments, maybe try to completely detach yourselves temporarily, to build something new - new rules, new (your own) future home/family traditions etc. Then reconnect with families and share your new creation. Sometimes you have to do it that way to show that.. you have a great idea and it works :)
Conflict resolution: it is nice to talk about your personality and character and which conflict communications/resolutions work best for each partner (before conflicts actually arise). Conflicts can happen naturally no matter how strong your love is - and knowing how the other person can be more receptive, and sharing your most receptive ways, will help you both find a way to talk to each other when upset and actually find solutions and grow positively even from conflicts. I think that is a strong one for maintaining the warmth in your relationship through thick and thin.
Resilience/Coping (from fears, traumas) - talk about each other's fears helps you grow a deeper kind of trust. Many people hide their innermost emotions - it is nice to observe them together and help each other cope with that difficult emotion. Ain't nothing like someone holding your hand while you're shaking like a leaf and telling you "We got this, everything will be alright, I love you". You can use the challenges as a fuel to advance even further in your self and couple/family development.
Married or not, wishing you the best love ever - to all ! :) 💗
Your post is well-designed, and has a lot of merit. One should be aligned on many things before marriage, or it will cause problems, maybe significant ones. The only thing I would add is relationships with God. Many will see that as the same as spiritual love, but while there is some overlap, I think they are really different things. As listed here - spiritual implies a view on the meaning of life is valid as long as honesty held and works for you, but a relationship with God doesn’t imply that and is altogether different. So maybe that’s a seventh factor to consider.
I think it’s rare to find all of it in one person. That’s why many seek that fulfillment in others whether it’s just intellectual stimulation for example because their partner is not intellectual and they desire that interaction from someone tangible.
