Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?
According to a New York Times article, this is what we should ask a loved one when they are upset.
51-55, M
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Absolutely! :D
My husband is now a very grumpy old man, full of anxieties
about things that are so easy to resolve
that I find it incomprehensible why such things bother him.
Ant bites, flies, distant dogs barking, neighbours' noisy mowers, shops shut early, not being able to find things... the list is endless.
Here we are in a world where climate change is affecting us every day, where his close relatives live in a war zone at risk of random death, etc,
and he's suffering from severe spinal deterioration and loss of strength
which really need attention -
but none of these bother him!
I've learned the hard way, never to jump to conclusions about what response he wants.
It often turns out he's complaining about a problem that he has already fixed, or decided what he wants to do. He doesn't tell me that he's solved it!
But not knowing this, if I blunder in trying to be helpful, he'll get furious.
Often, even though he might go on repetitively about something (nothing to do with me or us), and bring it up constantly over weeks, he does not want to work out a solution. He just wants attention, active listening and empathy, i.e, to be heard.
He's most likely to want a hug when he's had some kind of disappointment, broken something, or made a mistake. Or at the end of the day when we're watching TV.
Occasionally he just wants a bit of affection, a little oxytocin to refresh the bond.
Just realised - this is rich material for comedy.
~
My husband is now a very grumpy old man, full of anxieties
about things that are so easy to resolve
that I find it incomprehensible why such things bother him.
Ant bites, flies, distant dogs barking, neighbours' noisy mowers, shops shut early, not being able to find things... the list is endless.
Here we are in a world where climate change is affecting us every day, where his close relatives live in a war zone at risk of random death, etc,
and he's suffering from severe spinal deterioration and loss of strength
which really need attention -
but none of these bother him!
I've learned the hard way, never to jump to conclusions about what response he wants.
It often turns out he's complaining about a problem that he has already fixed, or decided what he wants to do. He doesn't tell me that he's solved it!
But not knowing this, if I blunder in trying to be helpful, he'll get furious.
Often, even though he might go on repetitively about something (nothing to do with me or us), and bring it up constantly over weeks, he does not want to work out a solution. He just wants attention, active listening and empathy, i.e, to be heard.
He's most likely to want a hug when he's had some kind of disappointment, broken something, or made a mistake. Or at the end of the day when we're watching TV.
Occasionally he just wants a bit of affection, a little oxytocin to refresh the bond.
Just realised - this is rich material for comedy.
~
