I want to cry
I think my life is a complete failure. I am conscious I need to take full responsiblity for that, but it still hurts a lot. I am in a relationship, but I recently fell in love with a third person, who cannot possibly be interested in me.
To give some context: I am blind due to a congenital disease that narrows my visual fiels and gradually blurs my central vision. I have worsened a lot during the last 10 years and I am now completely dependent on my long cane or a sighted guide to go out and about. On the other hand I still have sufficient central vision to work at a computer with assistive technology and enjoy some "normal things". Nobody knows how long this will last.
I am in relationship since 10 years and, until now, had absolutely no second-thoughts on my love for my wife. I would say I still love her, but how can I possible love two different people?
My sight impairment was not an official thing until I was around 20, but I had typical symptoms of this disease since early childhood. The most common symptom is night blindness. I remember having an unconscious fear of going out at night, or visiting crowded places, during my entire youth. As a result, I became an introvert and closed up to the world, reaching adult age as a profoundly lonely and socially awkward individual. But I secretly craved for human interaction and was deeply saddened by my own self-inflicted misanthropy.
I never knew any woman before meeting my wife. In fact, I have never kissed or hugged any girl except her. My approach with romance, sexuality and more generally feelings has always been very cautious, with me never fully opening up to these aspects. The fear of being rejected and suffering was just paralysing. In my teenage years I idealised my very few crushes. I have been in love with a girl for years, without having ever said a single word to her. In my early 20s I fell in love with a university mate who simply used my devotion for her own benefits. I was brutally rejected and laughed off when I confessed my feelings to her, after three years of heartbreaking limbo.
When I was 22, I met this lovely girl in a chat. We spent months talking and talking, then she proposed to meet up. This was all new to me. We dated for a while, then moved together four years later. I kept losing my sight but she constantly reassured me she wouldn't run away. We got married and lived happily until now.
I moved away from my home country and built a household with my wife abroad, in a more open and understanding country, When I started a new job, something changed in me and decided to be fully honest and open. I presented myself as blind, I carried a cane everywhere in the workplace and have always been very cool about being disabled. Much to my surprise, my colleagues have not shunned away but made me feel perfectly safe and accepted. I was creating my first friends, ever! My happiness levels skyrocketed.
It sounds like a story of self-redemption - coming out of the tunnel and so on, right? Well, I think I have ruined it.
A colleague has always been particularly helpful and supportive with me. We often have brief, friendly chats and have many things in common. With my complete astonishment, she never treated me differently than other people (if you are disabled, you know what this means). She has always stepped forward to give me support - such as walking me to the underground station and help navigating around the office. The shocking conclusion came a few weeks ago: I am in love with her.
I have spent weeks in real agony because of this. I am a married mad and I am literally betraying my partner every time I land my mind on this person. But I can't help that, it comes natural to think of her.
And you only know part of the story.
My wife has met this person several times, during office parties and occasions. And she has always told me that she thinks this colleague is into me or somehow fancies me.
This seems to sum it up, doesn't it?
It would, if only this colleague weren't openly gay. Yes, she is not into men and I don't think has ever been. This is where I break down, because this is a maze without exit.
I am losing my sight.
I have a wife that loves me to the extreme.
I am in love with a third person, who also keeps me in high respect.
This person is not romantically interested in men.
If I ever leak my feelings, I am going to:
- lose a partner
- lose a friend
- lose respect among my colleagues
- lose respect among my family.
What a treat.
To give some context: I am blind due to a congenital disease that narrows my visual fiels and gradually blurs my central vision. I have worsened a lot during the last 10 years and I am now completely dependent on my long cane or a sighted guide to go out and about. On the other hand I still have sufficient central vision to work at a computer with assistive technology and enjoy some "normal things". Nobody knows how long this will last.
I am in relationship since 10 years and, until now, had absolutely no second-thoughts on my love for my wife. I would say I still love her, but how can I possible love two different people?
My sight impairment was not an official thing until I was around 20, but I had typical symptoms of this disease since early childhood. The most common symptom is night blindness. I remember having an unconscious fear of going out at night, or visiting crowded places, during my entire youth. As a result, I became an introvert and closed up to the world, reaching adult age as a profoundly lonely and socially awkward individual. But I secretly craved for human interaction and was deeply saddened by my own self-inflicted misanthropy.
I never knew any woman before meeting my wife. In fact, I have never kissed or hugged any girl except her. My approach with romance, sexuality and more generally feelings has always been very cautious, with me never fully opening up to these aspects. The fear of being rejected and suffering was just paralysing. In my teenage years I idealised my very few crushes. I have been in love with a girl for years, without having ever said a single word to her. In my early 20s I fell in love with a university mate who simply used my devotion for her own benefits. I was brutally rejected and laughed off when I confessed my feelings to her, after three years of heartbreaking limbo.
When I was 22, I met this lovely girl in a chat. We spent months talking and talking, then she proposed to meet up. This was all new to me. We dated for a while, then moved together four years later. I kept losing my sight but she constantly reassured me she wouldn't run away. We got married and lived happily until now.
I moved away from my home country and built a household with my wife abroad, in a more open and understanding country, When I started a new job, something changed in me and decided to be fully honest and open. I presented myself as blind, I carried a cane everywhere in the workplace and have always been very cool about being disabled. Much to my surprise, my colleagues have not shunned away but made me feel perfectly safe and accepted. I was creating my first friends, ever! My happiness levels skyrocketed.
It sounds like a story of self-redemption - coming out of the tunnel and so on, right? Well, I think I have ruined it.
A colleague has always been particularly helpful and supportive with me. We often have brief, friendly chats and have many things in common. With my complete astonishment, she never treated me differently than other people (if you are disabled, you know what this means). She has always stepped forward to give me support - such as walking me to the underground station and help navigating around the office. The shocking conclusion came a few weeks ago: I am in love with her.
I have spent weeks in real agony because of this. I am a married mad and I am literally betraying my partner every time I land my mind on this person. But I can't help that, it comes natural to think of her.
And you only know part of the story.
My wife has met this person several times, during office parties and occasions. And she has always told me that she thinks this colleague is into me or somehow fancies me.
This seems to sum it up, doesn't it?
It would, if only this colleague weren't openly gay. Yes, she is not into men and I don't think has ever been. This is where I break down, because this is a maze without exit.
I am losing my sight.
I have a wife that loves me to the extreme.
I am in love with a third person, who also keeps me in high respect.
This person is not romantically interested in men.
If I ever leak my feelings, I am going to:
- lose a partner
- lose a friend
- lose respect among my colleagues
- lose respect among my family.
What a treat.
31-35, M
