i want to confess something many ppl hate others for and i will understand the judgment from anyone else.

i will say, just be straight up, if you read this, and have anything to say, please do. i want to hear honest opinions. idk where else to say it and haven’t talked about it with anyone including my therapist. the more i think about it, the more i am realizing that this is where my jealousy issues in my current relationship are stemming from. and it is my fault.

about 10yrs ago i married young to someone i didn’t actually love because i was young and thought i knew everything including what love actually was. eventually our relationship started to get very strained and i began to hang out with my now ex-husbands brother where i felt safer, and more alive. i eventually started to sleep with his brother and had an affair with him for months. no one knew anything and i didn’t tell my ex-husband until about 3yrs later, and by that point the marriage/relationship was heavily abusive. i don’t want to make excuses for myself. i don’t see a point in that. i was a shit person who didn’t deal with my problems properly and chose to make bad decisions.

so my point to today is, i am now afraid that my current boyfriend (who i know loves the crap out of me) will do the same to me. that he will cheat on me the exact same way i did and i will never know. i want to deal with this in a healthy way and not be jealous by overlapping my past to my present. idk how to talk to my boyfriend about this because i am afraid he will start to not trust me as well. so i am stuck in my head, battling with heavy negativity. remembering my shitty decisions and how i hurt my ex. i don’t understand how being cheated on feels like. idk what else to say. i created a shitty situation for a lot of people and am still making everyone deal with the pain of my past.